Saturday, 26 December 2009
But this isn't my story. This is hers.
I had a unicorn. A beautiful, pink, big unicorn. Her short, baby pink fur felt smooth and soft underneath my young fingers. Her eyes were a stunning shade of blue, an accumulation of icy waters and rich, sapphire blue. Her tail was fluffy, with long hair, and her collar felt like crushed velvet on my cheek. She had a long, flowing mane; a soft, pinkish white. And her horn was centered perfectly in the middle of her head, and was stuffed cloth, so it stood perfectly straight.
This unicorn, once upon a time, was my place of hiding. She provided an escape for me, a whole new world where I could hide and no one could disturb me. I would spend countless hours in her company, never requiring conversation from her. She looked at me like she knew what I was thinking. Words were never necessary. She was a universe, completely undiscovered, and I had her all to myself. No one could see her like I could. In my dreams, I would imagine riding my cuddly unicorn across vast valleys and galloping over green hillsides. We could go anywhere, we would ride over rainbows, dance in the clouds, find resting caves filled with sparkling stones.
But then, one day, I had my first encounter with teenage love. And then, my unicorn left my dreams. Now they were filled with his face, the dreams of our wedding, and all traces of my unicorn were erased. She no longer looked at me with her big, blue eyes each morning with love and understanding. They were filled with a look I'd never seen there before. They were filled with vacancy. Nothing shone there anymore. She was no longer a world for me.
I'd grown up.
Friday, 25 December 2009
To be honest, much of the beginning of this year is blurry. There was a lonely New Year, to begin with. Then Valentines day spent alone. Then my birthday, which no one remembered. There was my rocky week-long relationship with Blondie in April, then the night I broke up with him and harm done. Then there was THAT trip to Spain which ended in complete disaster. Then I really got to know H. I knew him before, he'd been helping me for a while before this. And he helped me through everything. And slowly, slowly, I fell in love with him. But, as always, I said nothing and just carried on with my life. Then there was my trip to Copenhagen in May, and the end of another school year in July. Everything else in the middle is blurry. Then came July 26th. The date of that summer party, when I saw Stuart. Of course, I thought he was stunningly beautiful, and out of my league, but I could dream, right? It didn't even click that a week or so later, on the 5th of august, I would see him again at that baby shower. Near the end of the night, I suppose, I managed to pluck up the courage to talk to him. And then I had to leave. Blah blah, went on a date, fell in love, was going out with him officially by the 10th of August. Pretty fast work. Took two months to even pluck up the courage to kiss him, and since, I haven't stopped. Well, that's a lie. But metaphorically speaking. And then there was THAT Msn conversation with H (remember that? :)) And I suppose, you know all the rest.
So, in short: 2009: I stumbled through the beginning, hurt through the middle, and loved to the end.
And 2010 will be even better. H, I love you. Thank you for everything.
All my love, now and always to all of you,
Thursday, 17 December 2009
I don't believe it, not for a second. How can you be in America now? In West Hollywood? How can you have a website?
How can you move on so swiftly?
The worst part about the whole thing, is that girls all over the world, will fantasise about you. But once, I looked into your beautiful blue eyes, and you looked back. Your eyes told such stories to me, stories you couldn't or wouldn't say with words. Once, I looked into those eyes. Now I only had a few pictures with one fixed expression. And it wasn't just that. Once, I held that face, kissed those cheeks, embraced that body and had it embrace me. Stuff those young girls would only dream of having.
Once, I knew you. Not as a celebrity or a heart-throb, but as a human being.
That's what kills me.
How on Earth did I ever let that go?
Sunday, 13 December 2009
I don't know where you are, I don't know how you are, I don't know what you're doing. I haven't seen you today because you have other things to do, I didn't see you yesterday because I had other things to do.
No one ever warned me you would have to work so hard at love.
No one ever warned me you could feel so sad when you can't see the one you adore.
No one ever warned me you could feel so alone in a relationship.
Who knew love could be so ...
Monday, 30 November 2009
"In a word: No. Never."
"Really? Because I thought -"
"No, I don't want to hear this. Not now. I've given up so much to be with you - my parents' trust, my home, my Saturday afternoons which should be spent doing homework, my friends' conversation because they'd rather hear about you. I've given you everything. Please don't -"
"No, listen to me. We barely know each other. We've known each other three months."
"Three and a half."
"Fine, three and a half. But lets hear the basic facts. When is my birthday?"
"Okay, bad example, you're good with birthdays. How about favourite colour? Favourite band? Nan's name? Is she even still alive? Best mate? Do you know any of the answers?"
"No, you can't do that to me. What's my mother's name?"
"Anne, with an 'e' on the end."
"Blue, same as my eyes."
"Demii. I know you well, Deanna. I listen to you. But I don't know if I trust you. How do I know you're not off with someone else in London during the week? How can I know that? Your word? You promised you'd never hurt yourself again, but that wasn't true, was it? Look, fresh scratches."
"Don't say that! You know I would never hurt you. And if you don't know that, then I don't know what to think. How do you think I feel, having you around hundreds of beautiful girls around you 5 days of the week? You have basically nothing to worry about with me! They're all short, ugly or gay! And the minority that aren't are completely out of my league, or they already know my situation."
"Deanna, listen to yourself! You don't even know me. I couldn't ever do that to you. They're all horrible. How could you ever thi -"
"Don't argue with me! I can't hear this again! Not from you. I love you! Please, you can't do this to me now. I need you."
"No you don't. Think about it."
And he walked away, leaving me in tears.
I've thought about it. And I know what I want. It was hard for me before, to imagine it. I thought of it as throwing my life away. Just spending it with one person sounded daunting - I would never get to experience anything else anyone could give me. But now, its clear to me that loving someone the way I love him doesn't come round very often. I would do anything for him, even when not in my best interest. So we're going to talk. Tonight.
I'll post it tomorrow. Maybe.
It'll be fine. -Deanna, xoxo
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
So do what you love and you will find someone who loves the same thing. Don't look for love, suffer for love, or beg for love.
Friday, 13 November 2009
He never really loved me. He just said it. Like I say I love my bed. Its the same thing. We don't love it at all, but we say it to emphasise how much we like it. Or, in his case, to make me swoon unnecessarily and make me think I had a chance.
Here's an idea people:
Don't use the word 'love' unless you really mean it. Like I do with you, H.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
He never really hurt me. He was nice to me, he helped me, he listened to my pointless stories. And then all he did was leave. Not because of me, he just left. And what did I go and do? Made it some big drama. And then I broke my own heart. He didn't, all he did was leave. How stupid could I be? Really? I made it out to be all his fault. But he never did anything to me. All he did was help, then leave.
I can't believe how awful I've been. I made him out to be the bad guy. But he did nothing wrong. It was all me. I thought he broke me. But it was me who broke me. I thought he left me. But maybe, just maybe, it was me who left him; not in the literal sense , more the psychological sense. Maybe he wanted help but I always left him needing it. What if I was the bad one? I can't recall him telling me one thing about him really. Not even his birthday. I thought it was because he was a private person; maybe it was because I never cared to listen.
Yes, yes. this is it. He was never bad to me. He never broke my heart. I did.
Sorry for blaming you. And thank you for being there.
-Deanna, Never give up, huh? Keep it real. Keep on trying. xoxo
Thursday, 5 November 2009
You silly thing. I know that it might look like you're the reason for he weird glitches in my life. But you're not. Its normally family. Or friends. Never you. And you do not distort my perfection. I know it might sound like you're the reason my life gets knocked off balance. I know that it might sound like my life is perfect. Truth is, cutting the crap: its not. In fact, its the craziest its ever been. And I need you there to keep me sane, to keep my feet on the ground. I used to be selfless. But it never worked for me. So you know what? I'm going to be selfish, just this once, and keep you there. Its hard to stay, but impossible to let go. As you put it.
Look, I don't want to hold you back, so if you want to go; go. I do not want to hold you back; that's the last thing on my wish list. But I'll take your help for as long as you'll provide it.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
I have no morals, I wish I could die,
I'm breaking the eggs to make the food,
I'm breaking the heart of the one always true,
I don't want to be the person I am
I've burdened my mind and my soul I have damned
I feel like I'm being completely unfaithful
To the one person for which I'm so grateful
But I can't stop myself, nor carry on this way
The seams of my life continue to fray
I wish I could run and stop all the pain
Its so complex and it drives me insane,
I know that its simple because no one's to blame
And I'm not unfaithful, just not the same
I can't seem to love only one man
Its always been two; one for each hand
Or perhaps its one for the nice happy side
And another for the times I wish to hide.
Either way, being like this kills me slow,
Perhaps I should quicken it, take the knife and just go.
Maybe I spoke too soon when I said life was good. First the previous post and now this. I can't take leading two lives anymore. Its killing me. Because neither can have all of me. Not when I'm in the middle like this. I'm not doing anything wrong, its just... one understands me better than I understand myself. The other brightens up my day and makes me laugh when I didn't even want to smile. I can't pick one or the other, because if I left either now, there would be things I would miss.
Shit, I wish life was easy. In fact, can I just go back to being seven again? When all that mattered was my parents, food, clothing, toys and a bed to rest my head on?
...Please? I don't want to grow up, I'm not ready Lord...
Monday, 26 October 2009
Today was that day.
This was what went down:
I got up and went to town to cash some cheques of mine. Mother went to work. Before she left, she asked what my other half was doing today, and I said 'not sure, haven't texted him yet.' Reasonable response, yes? Returned home. Waited for mother. Right, so after she comes home, I say that he's gone fishing for the day. And her response is: 'You're such a weird pair. You don't spend a lot of time together, do you? You don't know him very well, do you?' And I got... so mad. How the hell can she say that? What does she want, us joined at the hip? Us reading each other's minds? I respect his space. He respects mine. Simple. How we like it. We're happy. So what the hell is she trying to do? Break us up? And then I started thinking, what if she's right? Why am i not that into him? And the only answer I could come up with was lé heartbreaker, better known as Bob, The One Who Left, blah blah. I got so confused. I sat in my corner. And cried. And cried. A good hour's worth. And I am still very mad. But I can't help think she was - is - right.
I... Do love Stuart.
Help me, someone. I need you, Hugo, where are you?
Monday, 19 October 2009
But... I'm sorry. Guilty and confused as I am, I know that at the moment, I cannot provide it.
Miss you. -Dee. xx
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Now, shall I have a giggle and try to define myself?
Okay. Lets try it.
I'm always a mess. I can never keep my own secrets. I laugh too hard at stupid things. My favourite songs can make me cry. I always watch for 11:11, but I miss it more than I notice it. I live in the past, in memories I have with the people I love. I hate thinking about reality and I'm so homesick that its not even funny. But not homesick in a missing my house kind of way... maybe it's more like heartsick for all the things that I can't get back. I have too many ties in places which I'm going to leave soon. I have the most unpredictable mood swings. My opinion on everything changes from day to day. I declare random things in the middle of doing something. I remember pointless stuff and forget important stuff. I don't always know what to do in certain social situations and a lot of the time, this is the death of me. I live in a weird twisted circle of feelings not even I can make out. My cousin thinks I've lost the plot; truth is, I never had it to begin with. I get used and abused by the people I love and still go back to them thinking 'that's the last time it'll happen.' I want so much from life but I'm too scared to chase after it. I live every day wishing it would go quicker but then a year down the line I wish that I'd paid more attention on those days.
Its hard for me to define myself... I guess I'm just a cliché - the girl who loved too hard and didn't get anything in return. I don't want to be the heroine in some tragic love story:
I just want to see the one person who has never given me a second thought.
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Friday, 9 October 2009
I know Dem was right. And I have always said the same from day one.
I was writing a letter to him. asking him how the hell he could just... walk out like that. And then Dem, as always, asks if she could read it. And, as always, I let her because I value her opinion. And then she voices what I've been saying since day one. And it was just... the way she said it. Saying it yourself is one thing, but hearing it from someone else; having someone else confirming what you knew all along... it really hit home... and that was what started the tears. Because Dem was right. And I know that. But I just... couldn't take hearing it from someone else. It really hurts to know that you could be hurting someone else; in this case, my boyfriend, Stuart.
And X felt helpless, watching me cry. But X, you have to see that the only person that could've stopped those tears was the one that caused them. And I didn't want them to stop. I needed to get it out of my system. He said that he wasn't sure how to deal with tears.
But its okay. I'm no good at dealing with tears either, even my own. I guess all you can do is hold that person till their shoulders stop shaking. Till the emotions run dry. And till the tears just won't fall any more.
I was just... I needed to cry. All that emotion I've been bottling up over the past three years over this one guy. And that was what is was today. Some of that coming out.
There's still more of it. But it'll all come out. In time.
LoveLoveLove, -Dee. xoxo
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Maybe if I'd have been bolder in the beginning... He'd be happy now. Maybe if I left S now I would miss out on some really great stuff. But who's to say that by not being with X I'm missing out on so much more?
There'll always be a curiosity of what life would've been like if I'd never gotten with S. What if I'd have never met him? Would I be with X now? Would I still be in the great depression?
It took me so long to decide. But, at the end of the day, it was the way S kissed the top of my head while I was sleeping. It was the way he accepted my scars. Its the way I don't have to pretend to be happy around him, because when he's there, it just happens.
X has only wanted the best for me. Even if the best isn't him.
Even if me being happy means him being second best.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
You know when you love someone so much that every time you think of them you stomach does those weird pain-meets-pleasure flips?
You know when you miss someone much that the days spent without them drag to a standstill and you feel like you can't breathe?
You know when you adore someone so much that every time you kiss them your heart misses a beat and nothing in the world could be more perfect?
All this, and way, way more, is what I feel for you. Its not something I'm forcing on you. If you want it; take it. If you don't; tell me. Don't stay because you're worried what it'll do to me if you do leave. I don't want you to feel pressured with me. I'm the one person you can be yourself with. Never forget or doubt that. Because all the small things about you make my life worth living. I never realised how true that line from Twilight was: 'I love you. You are my life now.' Its a perfect way of depicting what love is. When you love someone like I love you, that someone becomes your life.
And you love all of me. Not just the good parts. Scars, tantrums, tears and all.
Pillows. Love, -D. x
Monday, 28 September 2009
I don't feel it anymore. I have everything I want in life now. After... what I went through, all that pain, my life is heaven. Sure, its not perfect. Its confusing and annoying and downright strange most of the time, but everyone in my life makes it all worthwhile.
In some ways, my life has gotten harder.
In most ways, its just grown more beautiful.
And my friends are amazing. They've stuck with me and put up with me for the past 4 years or so. 4 years of moaning and groaning and seeing me in pain.
I love my friends for sticking by me. Sorry that its not so interesting anymore. I might write another tomorrow. A better one.
LoveLoveLove, -Deanna x x
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
I wonder if he found Baby before he went into that light and said 'Thanks for carrying the watermelons.'
I wonder if he heard his wife say 'I love you' for the last time and secretly thought 'Ditto.'
I wonder if he kept a medium up all night singing 'I'm Henry the Eighth I am' before he went upstairs.
I wonder what heavens like and if it was everything Sam Wheat hoped for.
Sad times. -Deanna. x
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Listen to this; my life in a nutshell.
My parents struggled and still struggle for money. More so than most Middle/Working class people, due to certain life decisions and schooling options for me. But, aside from this, I've had such an easy life. Disgustingly easy. I had friends, a pretty good medical history up until 6 months ago, I was likeable and I liked everyone else. I was a good kid in school, I got really good grades, I behaved outside school. Never gave my parents hassle.
Now. As you might be thinking, my life is, or rather, was, hard. I wrote that a lot in recent posts. But it was only hard because I made it hard. I was the one who put me in he cold. I was the one who made people hate me. I was the one who hated people. I was the one who decided my parents needed hassle (as if they didn't have enough on their plate already).
You see what I mean? I was the one who messed my life up. I was the one who fell in love with an idiot. No one told me to love him, did they?
Its so aggravating, looking back on it, because I can see that it was m making life hard. What annoys me even more is that certain people neglected to point this out.
But hey, life goes on in a perfectly deceitful kind of way...
-Deanna- x x x
Monday, 7 September 2009
'I love you' is as pure and as simple as that.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
There was a girl. She got dragged along to a wedding by her mother. Her mother's friend was the bride and she thought it was only fair to bring her daughter. They got there safely. Her mother told her about the brides son. 'He's cute,' she said. The girl tried finding this boy, but he was off with all his friends. The girl left the party in full swing and went home with her mother.
In the meantime, the girl got on with her life, and the boy did the same, barely knowing the girl existed. The girl gave up on him and moved onto another. This new boy broke her over and over, but she didn't realise until she saw him with another. She turned her back on the world, unsure of what to do and where to go. The next year was spent in a blur of unhappiness, and the girl was not happy with her life or herself.
The July of 2009
Now the girl had more experience with heartbreak and how love worked. She was prettier and smarter, funnier and at the same time, deep in her eyes, you could see her sadness she hid from the world.
Today, her mother decided that she would volunteer her and the girl to help out at the barbecue the mother's work was hosting. The girl didn't mind one bit. She was happy to be of help and was happy she had something to do. She wore a beautiful blue top and jeans because she didn't like her legs. She set off down the road with her mother and as soon as she set foot in the door of the building she got to work, making posters and setting tables, plumping cushions and thinking of names for 'Guess the name of the monkey'. All the while, she was aware of a young boy walking to and fro, going about his work as a kitchen junior. She thought he was lovely, but didn't think he noticed her because he didn't once talk to her. It was only when his shift finished that she realised who it was. His mother came to pick him up and she remembered that it was the bride from a few years before. She asked her mother and she confirmed her thoughts. It was the boy her mother called 'cute'.
Wednesday, August 5th 2009
This time, the bride was organising a baby shower for her sister, as she was due in a couple of weeks. The bride invited the girl, her older sister and the girls' mother. The girl soon found out that the boy would also be there. Her mother said that he was shy and known for his bad behaviour in the past. The party went ahead, and after much eye contact and smiling, they got talking towards the end of the party. Obviously, the girl had to go home. So they scrambled into the car and reluctantly, the girl headed home. Shortly after leaving, however, her sister received a text from the bride. 'My boy got the hots for your girl and was wondering when he could see her again?' The girl, upon hearing this news, began feeling all funny inside.
Monday, 31 August 2009
Smile. Your flawless smile.
How I managed to get you I don't know.
Maybe I shot you out the sky.
Maybe I wished on your star.
Maybe you fell from heaven into my lap.
Maybe you came for me.
All I know is, you came from that big, beautiful canvas above my head.
Nothing on Earth could ever be so perfect.
But, either way, I couldn't care less where you came from.
You're here now and that's all that matters to me.
Stay with me forever and a day.
I never want to lose you.
Love, D. xx
Friday, 28 August 2009
Just thought I'd apologise and update you on my life as of late.
- Status: Happily Dating. I didn't think this would happen so perfectly and so soon. And somehow, I didn't think he was suited to me at all. But he's perfect. My perfection.
- Recent activities: Hm. As you know, I went to Butlins. Now, I didn't think this would be as entertaining as it was. It was really good. Swimming was great, the weather held until we were leaving the train station on the way home, so we only got slightly damp. And I went to the cinema yesterday. Saw 'Aliens in the attic'. Rather amusing. And I'm not going into any further details; I'll just have you know that my bed smells of Joop.
- Future activities: Well. I have a Barbecue tomorrow, which my family are all attending. That starts at 2, then I have to find the time to repair my shoes and practice my Pointe. After that, I have to organise my bag for the year ahead and then make sure I find time on the weekend for stuff other than work. Could be a challenge.
- Current thoughts or anything else I'd like to say: Hm. I like that boy. How the hell am I going to make it though tomorrow. And sorry again for the other day. It involves certain people I don't wish to think about anymore.
Thank you for understanding me and not judging;
LoveLoveLove, -D- xx
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Yeah, that's out the window. I'm going to go throw myself off a cliff and bleach my dad's favourite shirt. ...Fine, I'm not throwing anything off a cliff, or bleaching any clothing. But I'm so close to doing it, it scares me.
Hate, war and disdain unto you all,
Monday, 24 August 2009
Back to the point...
Impractical. Why, I hear you ask? Because its not exactly the easiest and most logical of things, my life now. Two of them... not peculiar, for me, but definitely greedy. I feel like I'm living out the Twilight Saga (minus the beautiful werewolves and seductive vampires. Bite. Me.).I feel like Bella Swan/Cullen. Torn, almost.
Well, I was. I'm kind of at the Eclipse/Breaking Dawn stage, where I know what I want.
Lets just hope my Jacob doesn't imprint on my Renesmeé.
Peace, Love, and illogical madness, -D- xx
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Sitting outside, lost without you,
Staring up at the stars above,
All the while I'm needing your love
I want to know why life isn't fair,
But you don't know and you don't care.
I think that pretty much says it all.
Love Love Love, -D-
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
As wrong as it may be, I need you...
But you aren't here, and I'm crumbling... You aren't supposed to have me, you deserve something more... repairable, and I don't make your life easy, and I'm sorry you had to fall so hard for me, but I can't interfere with matters of your heart.
I need you..., my worst fears are confirmed once more: when I need someone I love the most; they abandon me.
You aren't here, and it feels like you've left like everyone else... Even though its not your fault you're not here.
Yet I can't help but need you more...
I need to know you're okay... my forbidden love.
Monday, 17 August 2009
I think for a minute.
'I'm scared to get close to anyone because everyone that ever said "I'll be there" left. Are you sure about this?' I swiftly type.
'Yes. I'm sure.'
I think for a moment longer, hesitating with my words. What can I say to that?
'I'm scared of falling.'
'Don't worry. I have wings.'
Love Deanna xxx
Sunday, 16 August 2009
But there's just one, small, tiny problem.
I need to stay committed. I don't want you hurt, so you need to know that I do love you, no matter what everyone else thinks; but having two in my heart is just plain greedy.
You're always there and you always help and you always consider me before yourself.
If I hurt, you hurt.
If I cry, you cry.
If I die, a part of you would always die with me.
I don't know how to say it in person... and it wouldn't be right now... due to a current relationship which I'm extremely happy in. I love him more than anything you could ever dream of. So, as always, I take the coward's way out; and put it on here, which I'm sure you'll come across sooner or later. No names, I'm afraid, as I'm sure you know who you are. If not, well, I guess I'll have to tell you. And I'm certain you'll understand.
Because you always understand me. When no one else does. Apart from, maybe, one person who left. And now I'm faced with the harsh reality of life without him, because I've accepted now that he really is gone forever. And I understand. And I know you're young. And not quite perfect in your own eyes.
But this, I think you should have the right to know and understand.
Love, Deanna x
Friday, 14 August 2009
'Don't miss out on anything in life...life's too fragile to miss out on anything and anyone.'
And I listened a second too late. I'd missed out on a lot in earlier life, I realise I couldn't stop that; I was young and thought life was one big game. If I got it wrong: I could do-over. Go back to where I saved and start again.
Only now, looking back to that March write-up, I see that I've missed out on so much. I've become wrapped up in Internet, IM, poetry, an idiot of a man who hurt me; but I can do nothing but respect, even after what he did to me.
My mind was warped. By stuff that didn't matter in the long run. So I missed out on being with others who did nothing but care for me. I shoved them aside... I paid no attention... Caught up in my own stupid problems... which weren't even worth it. So I missed out. Then I lost my laptop for 5 days. And life took off. I noticed everything beautiful about the world. I noticed people never noticed before. I noticed little things I'd forgotten. Little joys in life. My cats sitting on my lap, where my laptop would normally take residence. Seeing the sun flood the garden through windows: instead I was outside in the sun. Feeling it embrace my skin.
Finding him... Who I'll love forever. Gyeah, a lot can happen in 5 days with no computer....
Love Deanna xxx
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
This is a segment of 'The Ballad Of Reading Jail' by Oscar Wilde. Beautiful, isn't it? Like many other rare pieces of true art. This, however, is a small piece, as the whole thing is about 5 pages long.
It got me thinking... maybe this is why all good things come to an end. We think we are doing the best thing for someone by flattering them, or maybe we give them what we think they deserve, like a dirty look, but maybe all they want is the truth, or a good look, because they get bad looks and lies all day from all the fake people, and all they want is someone to tell it like it is. And it always hurts most with a kiss, because you put yoursel in a place where he can crush you, but you're trusting him not to. So when he does, it hurts more. Sword is quick and far less painful.
Each man kills the thing he loves... Yet each man does not die.
Love Deanna xxx
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
As much as I love having you in my life and I know I'm lucky to have you, you have to understand; I have morals and boundaries and I will always stick up for what I believe in. I will not let you walk over me, like others have before, and I do need space sometimes to think things through. Sometimes, I want to go away from everything, get away from the artificial noise of TV and conversation and hum of cars and technology and just go sit by the sea and think things through. I don't always think conversation is required, so I will not always provide it. And if I go off at you for something that wasn't your fault, don't take it to heart, because I've probably had a rough day and you are the only person who will listen and not get mad at me for the things I say.
So I know I'm not perfect, but, if you'll put up with me and have me, I'll not ask for anything more.
Love, your Deanna xxx
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
However, the second time you find a drawing pin in your root beer float, your despair is much greater than the first time, when you dismissed the drawing pin as a freak accident rather than part of the scheme of the employee who is trying to injure your tongue, and by the twelfth time you find a drawing pin your despair is even greater still, until you can hardly utter the phrase 'root beer float' without bursting into tears.
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or pistachio pudding, to which you can eventually become accustomed to...
But despair is something rather surprising each time you encounter it.
Love Deanna xxx
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Isn't it funny.
I've fallen again.
Remember when you were a little kid and you stood in your garden on the lawn, and you started spinning? And you know you should stop because you're only going to get hurt at the end of it, but you can't? That's what its like.
Only problem is, he doesn't plan to catch me this time. Because he can't.
Does he know that I can't breathe without him? Does he know that I would do anything for him? Does he know how much he's hurting me by loving someone else?
Nah. He has no idea.
He is utterly clueless. And staying with his girl. Much to my disappointment.
Does he even have an idea of how much I love him?
Nope. He's just as clueless in that area of it too.
He has no idea how much I'd do for him, no idea how much being away from him hurts me, no idea how much knowing that he loves another hurts me, and no idea of how much I love him.
And he doesn't care anyway.
Love Deanna xxx
Monday, 27 July 2009
It is likely your own eyes were closed when you were born, so that you left the safe place of your mother's womb and joined the treachery of the world without seeing exactly where you were going. You did not yet know the people who were helping make your way here, or the people who would shelter you as your life began, when you were even smaller and more delicate and demanding than you are now.
It seems strange that you would do such a thing, and leave yourself in the care of strangers for so long, only gradually opening your eyes to see what all the fuss was about, and yet this is the way nearly everyone comes into the world.
Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be no one in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.
In any case, this is how all our stories begin, in darkness with our eyes closed;
and all our stories end the same way too, with all of us muttering some last words - or maybe someone else's - before slipping back into darkness as our history comes to an end.
Love Deanna xxx
Sunday, 26 July 2009
The moral of the story is that if you tell yourself you can do something, then you can actually do it.
Of course, this moral is easily disproved if you tell yourself that you can eat nine pints of ice-cream in one sitting, or that you can shipwreck yourself on a distant Caribbean island by setting off in a canoe with sawed holes in it.
Or you tell yourself you can tell him how you feel...
Love Deanna xxx
Friday, 24 July 2009
I think they are very much mistaken. What I need is a moral compass, which is something inside a person, in the brain or perhaps in the heart, that tells you the proper thing to do in a given situation. A navigational compass, as any good inventor knows, is made from a small piece of magnetised metal and a simple pivot, but the ingredients in a moral compass are not as clear.
Some believe that every person is born with a moral compass already inside them, like an appendix, or a fear of worms. Others believe that a moral compass develops over time, as a person learns about the decisions of others by observing the world and reading books.
In any case, a moral compass appears to be a very delicate device, and as people grow older and venture out into the world,it often becomes more and more difficult to figure out which way one's moral compass is pointing,so it is harder and harder to figure out the proper thing to do.
Of course, this is when we start slipping up and making mistakes.
Love Deanna xx
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened by your thoughts that you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or the window sitting unopened; thinking too hard about too many things to do anything else.
As we think more and more, we find solutions to one thought. However, as this one thought is solved and forgotten about, we open a 'can of worms' as it were. This, of course, means that as one thought is forgotten, another ten spring out of nowhere.
So, looking at this from a logical point of view, it is better not to think at all. If you never wonder, and never solve any of the thoughts already gathered, you can't open any more mysteries.
But, as we all know, the human mind doesn't function this way.
To satisfy it; you have to think. Otherwise, it will never be right.
Love Deanna xxx
Saturday, 18 July 2009
It's better that you know, that love is hard. Love takes hostages, gives them pain, gives someone the power to hurt you again and again... but they don't care...
I sit here, caught up in this mess that is love. But its almost unrecognisable; its all mashed up. From where we've been fighting a war for so long. Too long. Trouble is, love is winning. Its mashed up, but I've been reduced to a pulp. Motionless on the floor, unable to lift what is left of my mind up to figure out what to do next.
Love has broken me. It leaves me with no control over anything. It has power over what I do, where I go, what I say. Even when I'm away from him, when I should be able to escape the bitter truths of life, my mind is taken over. I'm forced to sit awake and listen to his voice in my mind. Look back on the memories and how I could've done it all different. Think about anything to do with him. I'm unable to think about normal things, school, sports, what I ate for dinner. My mind is worked, over and over, until I could scream from how much my brain aches, but no matter what I do, I can't stop it.
Its happening now... I can't even see straight... I tried to fight back for a while, and it worked, for a short time. Now, I'm beat so bad I have no energy to fight back... Even if I tried, it would just stop me anyway. Its too powerful for me... for anyone.
Cos love is hard...
Love Deanna xxx
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Some would argue that its just better to stay still on the beam so it becomes impossible for us to fall off. But, if we never take chances in life, we'll never move anywhere. Without taking chances, we become stuck in a rut. When we don't move for long periods, we forget how to move. So the only place to go is down. Whether its the left or right is our choice.
Some choose the left, because life is too hard. They think it might be better to end it all and give up. Sometimes, they might be right. Some people have it so hard; maybe it's better just to fall and it be over with. Of course, eventually, we all fall to the left. We all have our time to fall.
Some go to the right, meaning that they try to start afresh by choosing a new life beam. They think life will get better of they change their lifestyle. Many, of course are right. Some regret it. But. like death, it's inevitable that we change our lifestyle every now and again. It, like falling to the left, is required in our lives.
But which is better? Being lost in depression, lost in darkness, or lost in midair?
Love Deanna xxx
Thursday, 9 July 2009
I love him. That is one thing I am sure of. But he is forbidden to me, I'm not allowed to have him. He might not want me anyway.
But... when he dances, he leaves me breathless. I was captivated when he started to move. His interpretation of the song was so beautiful, so different, so emotional. It made me want to get up and kiss him. To know if he felt... anything for me. But I stayed glued to the spot, unable to bring myself to interrupt the beauty of his moves. I was unable to get up from my position. Unable to move, because I as so mesmerised by him.
Its not just on the dance floor that he's amazing, its everything. He's smart, witty, beautiful, and such a wonderful listener.
But, I thought I was done with feeling anything for him. That was a long time ago. Truth is, I never got over him, did I? I fooled myself.
I love him, yet I cannot have him...
Love Deanna xxx
Sunday, 5 July 2009
I hate to say it but I told you so, told you if you left that you were gonna be miserable, guess he don't do it like me, or else you wouldn't be running back to the past, it was you that left me... I hate to say it but you know I'm right, every time you're up and calling for me late at night, but now that you ain't got me, tell me where you gonna be, cos I can't take you back, no my heart won't let me...
He's thinking it. Right now. He's asking himself why I left him. What we had was such a good thing. But I ended it because... I don't think I can answer that. Could I ever answer that?
And so, I left him with a broken heart and me unhappy with a gap in my life. I tried to tell myself that he wasn't right for me, too stupid and immature. But none of that mattered to me before. That was what all my 'friends' thought of him. I listened to them and broke it off with him, is that it? How stupid! God, I can be so shallow! That's not why I'm writing this. I can kick myself later. I'm writing this because I'm lonely.I always was once it ended. Everyone was talking at me, but none of it ever made any sense because I was, I am, caught in a middle-ground. Unable to tear myself away from him. Not strong enough to live without my friends.
One... small problem. I've been lonely for so long. But, would he want me back? I mean, what if he's over it, over me? Would he want me, a horrible, self-centered, inconsiderate girl, back? Would you have me? Didn't think so. He could find better out there. But would any be like me? After two days he told me that he loved me. Two days! He was hopelessly devoted. ...OH! I remember why I ended it now! I didn't see the point when I was in love with someone else. And what was the point if I loved someone else more than I could ever love him? Surely all that knowledge does is hurt him? Knowing that there is always going to be someone else? That he'll never have all of me? All my love? You know, it felt like I was constantly cheating on him! I never did, mind you, but I couldn't tear myself away from this other guy. I'm still trying now. And its not working for me. He's so cuddly and romantic... among other things. So, what? I'm supposed to forget about my ex because I don't love him as much as Bob? Bob would never hurt me, yet when I was with my ex, all I can remember from it was us arguing over really stupid things. We couldn't seem to agree on anything! But Bob has never argued with me. Ever. He's mature. He's honest. His eyes are to die for. So, why isn't it simple? Bob, right?
Love Deanna xxx
Monday, 29 June 2009
This is the day the music dies, the day the greatest died, the day a genius died, the day the immortal died. This, is the end of life as we know it.
We can honour him with flowers, we can pay our respects by listening to his music. But, in the end, he's gone.
I am so shocked an saddened by the death of Michael Jackson. A light has gone out in this world - but a great party must be going on in heaven right now. He is up there singing with Elvis, Luther, Barry. Earth's loss is heavens gain. And a troubled, brilliant entertainer is now at peace. In this world of wannabe's and fame-hungry kids churned out by reality-TV, we will never have someone with such raw, untouchable talent ever again. Regardless of your colour and creed.
Michael Jackson's career spanned 5 decades. Since the tender age of 5 years old, he has been in the business, rolling out the hits and the heartbreakers. His composition skills were indescribable. His voice was that of an angel. His dancing was irreplaceable and completely unique. Only one man could get the whole world hooked on one dance; Michael Jackson. The Moonwalk.
And despite bad press and media reports, I've stuck with him all the way. Through the false allegations. Through the number one hits.
However, over the last few years, I lost faith. Became wrapped up in artists like Ne-Yo, Chris Brown, other people who took inspiration from the King himself. I took his music for granted. Still, I listened to his music, and it still played a massive role in my life. Its just, other things became more important.
We all have special memories throughout our lives and his music has gotten me through a lot of difficult times as well as some happy ones.
Thank you for the music, Michael. Thank you for my childhood. You were the greatest and will live on forever.
Michael Joseph Jackson - Singer, Songwriter, Record producer, Dancer, Choreographer, Philanthropist.
Father, Brother, Friend, and Inspiration.
August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009.
Love, Deanna xxx
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Somewhere, far away, he's thinking. Just... not of me, like I want him to be. I was so sure he loved me. But that's an uncertainty now. I... could always tell what he was thinking. But now I'm not as sure as I want to be. I need to know what he thinks of me. otherwise its going to be a disaster all over again. I'm never going to know what he thinks of me, he's never going to know what I make of him, then he's going to get up and leave, like everyone else...
Because he told me he was going to. Someday.
He's going to make it big in the world. Move to some big city, have a real big life. One which I cannot be a part of. There is no rhyme or reason for him to want me to follow him. No room in his suitcase for me to come with him. Not this time.
Never in my life have I felt such joy as when I am with him. He keeps me going. He's the reason I get up in the mornings. And the reason I don't get up and leave this stupid, boring, small town on the South cast which no one has ever heard of. He's the reason I stay.
I don't want him to go.
I've asked him. What's he gonna do? Where's he gonna go? The Army, is what. Iraq is where. Plain and simple, he says.
I want to scream at him, NO!
NOT plain and simple!
VERY big decision here!
How can he leave everything behind?
How can he leave... me behind?
I can't read him anymore... and its killing me...
Monday, 22 June 2009
I dyed my hair.
A plum-red colour.
And it got me thinking; why do people dye their hair? Maybe for a change.
They get tired of looking at the same old reflection.
It gives them a confidence boost.
But, inevitably, it is because people wish to become someone else. They want to take themselves away from the norm of everyday life. To become a new person. With the new hair colour comes new attributes. A chance to turn over a new leaf. Start again. Forget about the past and go into the following day unshackled by our demons. Then, over time, the colour fades. But our new personality remains with us. We become another stereotype on a shelf, as our old self becomes forgotten. Another name on an old, weathering gravestone in the deepest corner of the yard in our heads. And slowly, it gets pushed deeper and deeper. Soon, it becomes forgotten. The old, nice, different us. And then people get used to the new us. Eventually.
But then, its time for us to dye it again.
Love Deanna xxx
Thursday, 18 June 2009
C'mon, Hugo, be fair. You've helped me so much. Don't you think I ought to repay the favour??
You've done so much for me, and time and time again, I've thanked you. I hope. So why won't you let me help you? I barely talk to you... well, I guess that's my fault. I never make the time, and I should. And I know gossip is a killer. I've been through all that. Three years of speculation on my life. They feed off it, they're vultures. Just ignore it. Because unfortunately, you'll never stop it. Its always gonna be here. And you should know that I want to help you. But if you never tell me what's wrong, I can't ever help you.
You can open up to me. Because I won't judge, and I won't force you to take my advice, and I won't go and gossip about it. I'll always be here. I promise, for as long as I live, I'll be here.
Love Deanna xxx
Sunday, 14 June 2009
And never, ever in my life have I ever wanted someone to feel bad for hurting me. I usually take all the blame, save face and all that. But how I wish he would feel the slightest thing, the smallest remorse, guilt, sadness at breaking my heart. No doubt he's sitting there, laughing about the whole ordeal. I was so true to him, and he repaid me by scarring me for life. By loving him the way I did, I was forced to grow up quickly and now I cannot get back that lost time. My lost childhood. I never lived every day to the fullest. I wasted about two years of my life chasing an idiot around the ring of love. The only trouble was, he was running after someone else all the time. And never noticed me. He loved me, once. Long ago. But I didn't know it. And then he stopped loving me for someone else. And I still carried on loving him, foolishly. God, I was so stupid. Still am, for saying dumb things and loving stupid people. I hang onto the past for far too long. I don't think when I say things. I'm completely unreliable. I try too hard. I don't live up to expectations like I should. I never love the right people. The list goes on for miles, about what's wrong with me. Oh, look. There's another. I put myself down too much. See? See what he drove me to?
I'm stuck leading a life of pain. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Love Deanna xxx
Monday, 8 June 2009
Thursday, 4 June 2009
I'm always here. No matter what happens.
Love Deanna xxx