Saturday, 28 March 2009

So she doesn't kill me...

Shout out to Kirstie. She's an amazing friend and deserves a special mention.
Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 27 March 2009

It started out with a kiss, how did it end like this?

Lying on my bed, lying there crying, trying to piece the shards together. How did I get in this position? It seems like yesterday that we were in each others arms, laughing together, watching the world go past around us. Now, we're distant, no longer two peas in a pod, but now on opposite sides of the Earth, so it seemed.
Not long ago, I loved you, you loved me, we were meant for each other. You understood me better than anyone else I'd ever met in my life, you never chuckled at the thoughts that churned in my head. Now, all I can see is you laughing inside. Maybe you're laughing to yourself because you don't know what else to do. But, why do I sit here and think it over so? Why do I fill my own head with fabrications and falsifications and try to make everything seem okay? Why do I do it to myself?
Why did I let you slip away? We were so close. We helped each other. We would've been together forever. But... its my fault. I let you slip away from me. You tried so hard for me. You were always there. Always. And maybe I did ruin it. And I regret it everyday.
I love you always. No love song or tragedy is going to change that. No begging or pleading from you or others will change that. And I'll never leave you without my love.

I miss you... and I love you. And no one can alter that - not even you.

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

I'll be missin' you...

I really miss you. You hurt me, you turned me into some twisted mental case, but, somehow; I miss you. You live down the road, you were brought into my life without me getting a say in it, (or, rather, I was brought into your life), but I still continue to miss you. You left me to struggle and cope with unnecessary pain and guilt, and still I can't get rid of the feeling that it was my fault you left, no matter how much you said it was because your time with me and the people around us had run its course, I miss you.

I miss others too, for other reasons. Some people don't talk to me like they used to; and I miss it. It became a big part of my life for a short while, and it shouldn't even matter because its one very, very small detail in the fabric of life, but it does matter. And I miss you, too. As a friend, as a person I could talk to, as someone who understood parts of me and listened to my babbling about nothing. I hope you know who you are. no clues this time, just straight up. But, you don't miss me. That's the worst part. You don't... miss me. And... I don't mind. But, that doesn't matter. This is my way of venting my feelings instead of doing something ridiculous that I'll regret later.

And, most of all... I miss Jade Goody. I pay my respects to this marvelous woman. Love her, hate her, cherish her close to your heart. she was an amazing woman who deserves to be remembered.

Love Deanna xxx

And so the screaming continues.

I had SO much Trig to do today, it was NOT EVEN FUNNY. But; all done; can't be bothered to do anymore of the stuff.


Am I the only one who has noticed, that people of today are physically incapable of speaking at a normal audible level? Talking to your friends, family, etc. is like listening to a pack of screaming hyenas. I don't think my ears can take it anymore! Its as if someone has the radio on fuul blast, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Slightly scary? YES. Painful? YES. But, I think nearly everyone does it without realising it. Especially egotistical people. Its like, 'look at me, I'm SO special, you need to listen to me and me only'. VERY odd.

Shout out to Hugo; me and Emma J think the blog is Fab with a capital F. Where'd the story come from?!?!?! Its amazing :)

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 23 March 2009

Thinking of Jaffa cakes.

Don't know what inspired this; I guess its some lingering thoughts I still have on my mind.

Sitting here, stuffing jaffa cakes
Life couldn't get better
But then I think of you
And tears make my face wetter.

I try to get rid of the thoughts
I'd locked in my head
They push to the surface
And so perch there instead.

Why do I miss you so dreadfully
When I've got Jaffa cakes?
But all I do is cry while
Thoughts of you keep me awake.

I wish I could forget about you
So I don't go mad
Chocolate won't save me;
You've turned me and my heart bad.

And that's pretty much how I feel right now. Random? Yes. Messed up? Yes. But if it keeps me from doing something stupid that I'll regret later, then this is what I'd rather do.

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Little Miss Understood.

Okay. It has ruined my day, and I think I deserve to get it off my chest before it makes me blow. Its about a girl, I don't want anyone who reads this to think its them, she doesn't read this as far as I know.

Right. Don't you EVER think you know me or that you understand me, and don't you tell me I'm as easy to read as a book. You know nothing about me. The one person who really did understand me and who I could talk to without being judged and who knew me like he knew himself... Left me. Here. Alone. With all these brats and loons and weirdos and freak shows around me that can't ever find the strength or the deepness to accept what I want to tell them and won't ever. I'm sick and tired of you constantly asking how I am and what I'm doing tonight or what I'm doing with my family over the weekend. No wonder my soul mate left, he couldn't take the constant probing of his life from people like you. Constant inquisition into his personal space, 'How are you, hows your mum, hows the god damn cat.' No wonder he shut himself off and never gave you a proper answer; no wonder he only opened up to me. Its like a constant gossip festival with people like you. I'm sick to death of you wanting to know every detail of my life. And don't you ever try to tell me that you never pressured me into telling you all of it, because you did. Maybe not intentionally, but all the same, if I didn't tell you, you would pester me the whole day about it, threatening me with secrets I'd already told you, giving me the guilt trip, the puppy dog eyes, every single trick in the book. And I can't be asked with you anymore. I've had enough.

And it stops. NOW.

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 15 March 2009

Some say love, it is a river...

Love this one :) hope you do too.
Where we belong.

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

Love Deanna xxx

I love the way.

I love the way you look at me,
Your eyes so bright and blue.
I love the way you kiss me,
Your lips so soft and smooth.

I love the way you make me so happy,
And the ways you show you care.
I love the way you say, "I Love You,"
And the way you're always there.

I love the way you touch me,
Always sending chills down my spine.
I love that you are with me,
And glad that you are mine.

Forever and always.

When I'm with you,
Eternity is
a step away,
My love continues to grow,
With each passing day.

This treasure of love,
I cherish within my soul,
How much I love you...
You'll never really know.

You bring a joy to my heart,
I've never felt before,
With each touch of your hand,
I love you more and more.

Whenever we say goodbye,
Whenever we part,
Know I hold you dearly,
Deep inside my heart.

So these seven words,
I pray you hold true,
"Forever And Always,
I Will Love You."

Love me in the Springtime.

Love me in the Springtime, when all is green and new,
Love me in the Summer, when the sky is oh so blue,
Love me in the Autumn, when the leaves are turning brown,
Love me in the Winter, when the snow is falling down.

Love me when I'm happy, and even when I'm sad,
Love me when I'm good, or when I'm oh so bad,
Love me when I'm pretty, or if my face is plain,
Love me when I'm feeling good, or when I'm feeling pain.

Love me always darlin', in the rain or shining sun,
Love me always darlin', after all is said and done,
Love me always darlin', until all our life is through,
Love me always darlin', for I'll be lovin' you!

What do you think?

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 13 March 2009

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend...

I'm going to bring this back up. IS THIS LEGAL???? Being in love with your best friend. I need to know. First off, it is a boy. I ain't no freaked out lesbian. And, for the record, the entire of my ballet class has been turned against me. By ONE person. Imogen. Its on the whole subject of the guy I wrote about on the last post I put up. She reckons (and now, the whole ballet class does too) that this guy... lets call him Bob, is madly in love with me. its like, 30 against 1. So unfair, especially when I'm right. (obviously, I don't think he is.)

But anyway...

Everyone I know seems to be in love with their best friend. Its so strange that something that was so wierd to me and my friends, is now the normal. I ask you.. WHAT is the world coming to???? I'm not saying I'm in love with my best friend, by the way... But yeah. I just contradicted myself. AGAIN. Dear, oh dear me... Its the love. makes me light-headed; and I can't think straight. So yeah... I'm always in love. WHY oh WHY won't it leave me alone for a while? Just so I can recover before getting thrown in at the deep end again. Its SO annoying! I thought after being hurt so bad, I would never fall in love again. Since then, I've fallen in love... about 8 or 9 times, 1 of which was me falling in love with a past love again, if you get me.

Good, God, help me! If anyone has any suggestions... comment!!! I need your advice!!!!

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Spread your wings and prepare to fly, Butterfly.

So fortunate I thought I was to love you.
So fortunate to have friends who listened to me, I thought.
Its so hard now, knowing that you aren't anything I thought you were.
Knowing that my friends can't be trusted with my secrets.
The knowledge of this is better not discovered.
Maybe I shouldn't have told them, anyway.
Maybe I should never have fallen in love with you.
'Maybe's' and 'what if's' won't make a difference now.
Because, through all this,
I now know; you aren't worth it,
And my friends can't always be trusted.
I saw him today. Wasn't impressed. He may have looked gorgeous, and he may have acted nice enough and he may have smelt quite pleasant, but the whole thing today was so... forced. I can't ever look at him in the same way again; not after the way he's treated me. So sorry for never being good enough for you, apologies for never treating you the way you wanted to be treated. But, you have to understand, that you can't walk over someone because they have feelings for you. You can't think, even for a second, that you can take advantage of them and make them do anything you want, because they will. At one stage, if you'd asked me to jump off a cliff, I would've gone to the Whites of Dover and done so. Okay, that's slightly extreme, but its a way of showing you; its not fair on them. They'll look up to you and anything you say is God's law to them. They'll never understand why you don't talk to them, or why you're off with them, or why all your friends laugh when you do decide to involve them in conversation. Treat them like dirt, but the harsh reality is; you're the one who is the real dirt. Pot calling the kettle black. Blind leading the blind.
And, if you do that to everyone who likes you, you'll end up with no one. And that is no longer my dilemma.
Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Put a ring on it.

If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it.

Basically, if you like someone, you NEED to do something about it. Don't just sit there and let them slip away, because then it'll be way too late for you to do anything about it. The sad thing is, we let friends get in the way of our decisions, by allowing them to decide for us. Then it all goes, horribly, HORRIBLY pear-shaped from there. Most of the time, we allow our friends to rule our decisions in love, because we're too much of a coward to make the decisions ourselves. Or, we let them do it because then, if it does go wrong, Lord forbid, then its not our fault and we can shove the blame on someone else. It makes it easier to handle, somehow. It allows us to shove it on someone else and relieve ourselves of the burden that because we decided our own fate, we ruined it.

Its just another part of the sick, twisted lives we all lead. And yet, somehow, it involves three people. You him, and the middle man. It becomes part of all your lives, be it good; or bad.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 9 March 2009

Something to ponder...

You can always tell dreams from memories. Dreams are perfect, surreal and vivid; memores resemble a fishing net, dull and very holey.

Broken-hearted girl...

We all fear one thing.
No one wants their heart broken.
We fear it subconsciously most of the time, but sometimes, that fear comes to the surface when the thing we fear happens to us. When we get our heart broken. Its painful, but necessary, unfortunately. No one goes through their entire life without their heart being shattered. Its even worse if its done by someone you love or admire greatly, but it is a part of life. Sometimes, it feels like the world stops and you feel like you'll never breathe again. Other times, its been what you've wanted to hear subconsciously, but your conscious takes over and makes you feel indescribable pain. And its hard, you know probably as well as I do, but like most things, it gets better in time. It does take a long time for it to heal, and sometimes the scars are so deep that you can never forget most of the pain, but it gets better. Bad memories, so vivid and real, become dull and end up with holes in them so you can never remember the whole thing. Pain fades. It all gets better in time.
But, I've had enough time to heal now. So, why hasn't the pain faded? Why do I remember it all as if it was yesterday?
Why am I still a broken-hearted girl?
Love Deanna xxx

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Distant dreamer.

I'm not sure where this came from, but I thought I'd let you read it. Its not brilliant, but, its better than nothing...
You're a distant dreamer,
One who is never with me when she speaks,
One who stares up at the golden stars
Hoping she can reach the mountain peaks.
You're a distant dreamer,
One who imagines places filled with words
Words of ambition, trust and wonder
Coming from within where it still hurts.
You're a distant dreamer,
One who smiles to show she's fine,
One who, underneath her facade of joy,
She hangs from slippery lines.
You're a distant dreamer,
One who dreams of hope,
One who inside all the while,
Her mind learns to cope.
Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Details in the fabric.

We're all just details in one enormous fabric. We' are all our own colours and textures. Yet, when certain details come together, you get harmony. When people of the same texture come together and when their colours compliment each other, like blue, green and white. Other times, certain details clash, when their colours are too powerful and their textures oppose the others. When one is cotton and the other is cashmere. When one is purple and the other is yellow. Sometimes, when one is pale and the other is bold and beautiful, it creates an unmitigated disaster. Other times, the same combination works exceptionally well. Sometimes, bold and beautiful details get sewn together with details that are matted and dull fabrics, yet, over time, they become inseparable and more beautiful. Not in the visual way, but in themselves, for getting to know each other and making each other better.
The thing is, its the details in the fabric that make up the picture of life. Its them who make life so interesting for us all.
And we are all one of these details. We all have our own individual style and colour, because that's what makes us us.
Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

...I know we're cool.

I know we're cool. I know we don't always understand why people do the things that they do. Sometimes, people say stupid things that hurt us, or that evoke painful memoroies within us. Sometimes, they try helping us, and they scar us for life. Other times, they give their opinion on something and it changes your life for the better; forever. The thing is, we can't determine how something we say is going to affect someone. We can't tell ourselves that everyone is going to agree with us or love our ideas, because they have a brain, too. They think for themselves and by doing so create their own ideas and their own opinions on something. And its hard, pleasing everyone. So, instead, we please the people that we think matter. But we need to please those people that don't ever get pleased by what people say.
I know that we don't always understand why certain people are brought into our lives. Some say its fate, others say its sheer dumb luck. But there are reasons why we meet the people we meet. Maybe they teach us how to love. Maybe they show us how to lose. Maybe they are there to give us a good time, or to make our lives special and to cheer us up when we are sad. Or perhaps they are simply there so we can help them. To change their lives for the better like others have changed ours. We do it without realising it, yet, we make people who they are. Sometimes, we do make people kill themselves by being in their lives, other times we pull them away from the edge of it and set them on the straight and narrow. But, in the end, everything works out, because everything that happens, is meant to happen.
We all are chosen by destiny. We all run with fate. And, every day, we all play with death.
Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

After all that we've been through...

Okay, I need to get this off my chest. First off.... I have this amazing feeling... all the time. Its like I'm high on happiness. And I love it. Its fabulous. You don't know what its like to feel happy for so long after being so depressed and sad because of one person...
Which brings me to my next thing. Okay. I hate him. You know damn well who you are, you... Sausage. I despise everything you've put me through in my life, making me the fool, me the one who was madly in love, me, the one who always got the blame when something in your life went wrong. And all the pain I felt, blaming myself when YOU were the one in the wrong, convincing myself I wasn't ever good enough. IT STOPS. HERE. All of it. All the pain and the tears that I cried over you. All that real pain, when you treated me like dirt, when you never cared to ask ME how I was; and you know what the absolute worst thing about it is? I let you do it to me. I thought I was a strong person, until I met you. You are the worst kind of abuser. Because, not once, did you ever lay a finger on me. But you tore down all those mental walls I'd built around myself to protect me from people like you. My emotional pain because of you scarred so deep. It still hurts, and I'll never be able to fully recover. My life will never be 'back to normal'. Its far too late for apologies from you, so don't even try.
And as much as it throbs, and hurts every day that you played such a dominating part in my life for so long, as much as I always failed to see through the facade you put to me, but everyone else said time and time again you were bad news. But I chose to believe what I saw, not what I heard from my best friends who really did know what they were saying. I chose heart over head. I regret it. But it made me a stronger person. And it really hurts. But, it makes me who I am today. The girl who knows what she feels shouldn't rule your decisions. The girl who everyone likes because; after a perfect show from her for so long, she let down her guard and showed the world that she is only human. The girl who no one wants for their own. The girl who speaks before you now and isn't afraid of her demons or her past monsters. Or that single skeleton in her closet that will haunt her for the rest of her life...
It all ends here. Now. No longer will he rule my life from the past.
Love Deanna xxx