Thursday, 30 April 2009

Everybody hurts.... part 3.

I'm not sure how all this is going to fit together yet, but I'll piece them together somehow. This is another random part of the book.

I ran up to my bedroom, infuriated and ashamed. I turned on the radio, the music blasting from the speakers, trying to drown out the thoughts that entered my head. I hated her, I wanted to run away, I wanted to cry. I flopped onto my bed; and then it started. Small at first, the small tears escaping my eyes and the tiny sobs emanating from my throat. Then, they got bigger and bigger, and eventually I was sobbing uncontrollably on my bed, I was shaking, my shoulders and chest heaving involuntarily as the slap marks on my face turned redder and redder. They burned, but not as much as the mental scars that were left from the words she had spat in my face. They were only words, but they burned, fresh in my head, worse than the bruises and the slaps and the scratches.
There was a small knock on my door. "Come in," I managed to choke out.
It was Cris.
"Hey, hey," he said, comforting me and turning the radio off. "What's the matter, eh? You know you can tell me."
I got up from my sprawled position on the bed. Then I turned to face him.
He gasped in horror at the damage done to my face, arms, even my stomach. My face had taken the brunt of the beating; scratches ran down my face, it was red and swollen from the slapping, and I had a dark, purple bruise forming under my jaw.
My arms were covered in angry, red scratches and a hole on my right arm where she had taken the scissors on me and driven them deep into the flesh, as well as bruises, beginning to flourish under the skin.
My stomach had suffered quite badly, too. It, like my arms and face, was covered in scratches. Abdominal bruises were already quite dark, my ribs were bruised. One felt like it was cracked, but if it was, I think I would be screaming. I had one very deep gash on my stomach, where she had struck me so hard the skin ripped.
But the pain. The gashes in my mind. "You, you're a nasty piece of work, you are a vile, idle child, and all you do is take and blame all your stupidity on me. You fat, ugly, stupid little slutty whore."
Cris was standing my the radio, frozen in shock. His face contorted into one of such pain. Then hatred sprung to life in his eyes. He paced the room, fists clenched, and went towards me, fists raised.
He battered the pillow, over and over again, imagining it was her, I assumed. When he was finished, he sat by my mutilated body on the bed. He stared deep into my hazel eyes.
"What do you see?" I asked quietly.
"I see my porcelain doll shattered in pieces on the floor, crying and bleeding because of one woman. I see you smile everyday, but in your eyes, true emotions show. Those of pain, suffering, guilt, shame and sorrow. No one else sees how unhappy you are, because you are so good at hiding it all, because you don't want the spotlight on you and your life. Because you don't want your friends worrying and fretting, so you lock it all up, in here," he finished, lightly touching my temple. I winced. There was going to be a lovely purple bruise there in the morning.
Cris tensed, ever so slightly. Then, out of the blue, he asked, "How, how could she do this? To her own daughter?"
"I...I don't know," I whispered, fresh tears rolling down my disfigured cheeks. They stung so badly, I crumpled back onto the bed and lay there on my side. Cris lay beside me, and carefully put his arms round me, as I sobbed silently. I don't know how long we laid there, him behind me, trying not to hit any tender spots, me laying there, feeling sorry for myself and Cris for ever having to see me like this.
I turned to face him, slowly so I didn't hit him or damage my frail frame any further. I stared into his face for what seemed like an eternity. And I feel asleep there, consumed in pain, with Cris there and me entwined in his arms. I don't think he fell asleep, because when I woke up it was dark out and he was still there, eyes shimmering in the black.
"She will pay for this," Cris stuttered, running his soft fingers over the half scabbed scratches on my face.
"And I will get you out of this hell hole, that is a promise."

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Dreaming... of you tonight...

I dreamt about him again last night... 4 times in the past week... and all I want to do is fly away to Dreamland and live an eternally happy life with him.
But I thought I was over him... so why does he haunt me so? Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something...
And someone else is trying to tell me something,too. Not expected, not the same person, no one who reads this blog, thank the Lord.

So I'm dreaming... of you tonight...

Love Deanna xxx

Please don't stop the rain...

I don't know where I crossed the line, was it something that I said? Or didn't say this time... and I don't know if it's me or you, but I can see the skies are changing, in all the shades of blue...

and I don't know which way it's gonna go... if it's gonna be a rainy day, there's nothing we can do to make it change, we can pray for sunny weather... but that won't stop the rain, feeling like you got no place to run, I can be your shelter 'til it's done, we can make this last forever...

So please don't stop the rain...

We create arguments with the ones we love, we never say the right thing at the right time. We hurt each other without a second thought. We act on impulse, never thinking about our actions, never thinking what the next person will say.
And, at the same time, we can provide shelter for others when they can't stand the rain. When the little ridculous annoying things all add up to too much to bear on their own. So we take this person in and let them wait until the rain has stopped. Until everything is simple again.
But sometimes, they never leave you. The rain never stops, and you continue to share the burden together. You stay together.

And if the rain stops... then you no longer need each other.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 27 April 2009

Everybody hurts.... part 2.

This is another section of the book I put up here a while ago... this is after the other part. I'll try to write some more... I'll keep ya posted.

I sat with Cris on the sofa, fiddling with his gorgeous blonde hair. The sun shone through the French doors. Not a cloud in the sky. The sun caught the self inflicted, shiny scars on my arms.
Cris looked at me, giving me a once over, drinking in every detail of my face, my neck... but he stopped at my arms. His body tensed and his eyes widened slightly.
"Savannah... I didn't think you owned a cat."
"No, I don't. Why?"
The thoughts streamed through his head and were plain to see on his face. He was desperately trying to think of other things they could be.
He didn't find one.
"So... no cat, no dog. If that's true... how did you get those scars?"
He was tense now. His heartbeat started racing underneath my hand.
"Well... the thing was..." I hesitated and thought: How much can you really tell your soulmate?
It didn't matter. Because I didn't need to finish. He knew. His eyes widened even more, his fists clenched into tight white balls, and his knuckles looked like they were going to burst out of his skin. He shot up off the sofa. He paced the room once, as if he thought he could walk off the shock and the pain. I never thought it would hurt him more than it hurt me.
I felt like a scared, seven year old now. What would he say?
He stopped pacing. "W...Why?" he managed to utter, tears brimming in his deep blue eyes.
"It... got rid of the pain."
His face went pale, pasty white; then a sultry shade of red.
"What do you mean, it got rid of the pain? That just inflicts more damage! What were you thinking?" Cris shouted, gawping at all the long, silvery scars running up my arms in a conformed line.
"I don't know what I was thinking; is that what you want to hear?"
The thing was: I knew exactly what I was thinking when I did that. My life was like a rollercoaster, but with no ups. My mother was abusive. My father didn't care. My best friend 6 feet under from suicide. And hell, I wanted to go the same way. Life sucks. Might as well end it sooner rather than later.
Cris came to sit by me, once again resuming his position on the sofa. "I'll never understand you, Savannah. Trying to decipher you is like trying to crack the Da Vinci Code; seemingly impossible."
I chuckled. "See, that's what I love about you, Cris. Everything you say is poetry. You turn life into a waterfall of beautiful words."
"And do you know what I love about you, Savannah?"
I thought. "Um... I'm terrible at guessing. Can you just tell me?" I said, flashing my innocent grin.
"Okay," he began, "your eyes; I could drown in them, they're like endless pools of chocolate. Your personality: you have the world on your shoulders, yet you help others when they need you. Your smile, its perfect. Your tendency to fiddle with my hair in the middle of a conversation. Your stu..."I put a finger to his lips. He gave a small smile.
"Shut up and kiss me."

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 26 April 2009


I'm going to keep this as short as possible. I hate the fact that you have to change yourself for someone to like you. I'm so sick of it! Can't somebody nice love me for me??? Someone who I can love too? Someone who takes all the disabilities and pain and fear and insecurities and ugliness and worry away???

I know who I want. I've wanted him for as long as I can remember. But if he doesn't want me (he DOESN'T Imogen :)) then why do I bother??

Why the f... hell do I bother anyway??? Life sucks. Might as well end all of it sooner rather than later... sigh... I'm never going to do it, don't worry about me...


Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 24 April 2009

So live your life...

I love living life the way I'm living it now. So carefree, not worrying about loving someone or what people think of me or what is going on with my life. I feel like I could fly, because before, I felt empty without loving someone. I thought it was what life was all about. Sure, I still do, but what's the use of living life just for love and not enjoying everything else along the way? I've realised; after all this time: love isn't everything, and it certainly isn't worth 11 days of tears, or cutting yourself, or losing the will to live, or trying to be the perfect weight or the perfect shape for someone. One person isn't worth all that. Well, not now. I don't think anyone besides him was worth that. I think a lot of the time I was telling myself I was in love, when in reality, I wasn't. I convinced myself a lot of the time, that I was feeling love, when it was nowhere near. And now, now I don't want love and I'm not subconsciously keeping a look out for it, I feel a lot happier in myself. And I see the world kind of, in a different light? Like, I'm open to anyone, not just the people I thought were potentially my true love. Shallow? Yes. I'm not going to deny it, I was really shallow when I wanted to be. But now, to me, everything and everyone is equal. And love is just going to have to find me, because I'm not looking with it any longer.

I, for the first time in my life, am free.

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Somebody's me...

You, do you remember me? Like I remember you? Do you spend your life, going back in your mind to that time? Because I, I walk the streets alone, I hate being on my own, and everyone can see that I really fell, and I'm going through hell, thinking about you with somebody else... somebody wants you... somebody needs you... somebody dreams about you every single night... somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely, somebody hopes that one day you will see... that somebody's me...

You'll always be in my life, even if I'm not in your life, because you're in my memory... you, will you remember me, and before you set me free, oh listen please...

somebody wants you... somebody needs you... somebody dreams about you every single night... somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely, somebody hopes that one day you will see... that somebody's me...

And it rings... so true. Out there, somewhere, whether you know it or not, someone dreams of your smile and your touch. Someone cares for you even when you think and know you can take care of yourself. Someone will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat. Who is proud to just know you. Someone who can't live without you there.

But, we can think ourselves into this frame of mind. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love', which anyone of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when that burning passion has burned out. You are two trees in the Garden of Eden, and during the process of being in love, you become intertwined together. Then, when all the pretty blossom has fallen away, when being in love has burned away, you'll find that you are one tree and not two. Because now its love. Not fallacy, not enchantment: trust and honesty and being comfortable with each other.

And when you find this level of intimacy; keep it. If it makes you happy, then keep it.

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Leave this place...

Drown your fears with me, I’m feeling real sorry, your glossy eyes don’t need the sadness they have seen, but you’re way too deep to swim back up again. But somehow, I can’t find the moment you said goodbye...
Until someday, I’ll be waiting for an answer, I guess that yesterday’s not good enough for you. You know that I hate this song, you know that I hate this song, because it was written for you. This is becoming a problem I’m hurting it’s unfair... but somehow your words, the way that I heard are haunting me, you’re under my skin, you’re breaking in, and the tasteless fights that filled our nights are starting to cave in, you’re under my skin, you’re breaking in, and if somedays are what it takes to prove I have nothing else to lose...

I wish that I was left alone sometimes. Everyone loves getting all into my business. I hate it. I'm not going to do anything, I just like to sit and think. The best place to think is where no one else can find you. You can find your own place, where you can be... you. Where expectations fall away and no one wants anything from you. Where no one can get into your head and try to second guess what you're thinking. Somewhere that is quiet. Or where there is a river or on the beach, to drown your problems, in a sense, and also; rivers and the sea have that sound: the water rushing over the rocks and the sand. The gushing flows through me and allows me to clear my head. Forget about Him and God. Forget about everything that is so wrong in the world.

Forget. And never return.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 20 April 2009

Sleeping in a world of innocence...

Do you know, I loved being an innocent young child. Because it was like I was in a field surrounded by hills. No one could get over to damage or contaminate my perfect, simple, lush green field. Its like I was living in a bubble that no one could burst.
But then... someone DID burst it. And it was the one person I thought I was in love with. I was stolen away from my field of Protection, into a world where everything hurts, and things get hard, and nothing is simple, and people are snatched away from us, and money can't buy everything in the world your heart desires.
And the sad thing is, as we get older, nothing gets easier, and we don't get more used to anything that goes on, and nothing gets easier to lose, and people are still stupid and heartless and horrible.

And no one cares about anything else.

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Only so strong...

I may only take so much for the one I love. So much pain, happiness, guilt, and many more things I'm not even sure about yet. So many skeletons in the closet, so many demons out there in the world that one is unable to face without someone beside you. But, I feel that one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel. And you and I both know that the one you love is always worth the monsters. And the monsters out in the world are only the stuff of childhood nightmares. And if our nightmares can return to plague us, then so can theirs. Because even monsters have nightmares.

You can only take so many monsters, though. And I'm so sick of waiting. The path I'm travelling on has never seemed more slow. And every day, I face more monsters that haunt me forever and a day. There is no way to defeat them, they rest on my shoulders, haunting me. Reminding me of all the stupid things I've done in my life, the things that make me second guess myself. The things that I resent myself for thinking of, or things that I've done. And all those skeletons in the closet...

God speed, my lonely angel, to save me...

Love Deanna xxx

Saturday, 18 April 2009

I wanna be...

I know. Its odd. But everywhere I look, I see perfect examples; of the fact that emotions destroy a person.

So... I want to be a Cyberman (well... Cyberwoman).

No more hurt, no more sadness, no more fear... no more pain. No more wanting or wishing or love to weigh me down. No more dreams to get disappointed over. Nothing to be upset over... because emotions are non-existent in Cybermen. No one to cry over... if Cybermen cried, they would short circuit. And they don't THINK, and they don't FEEL, and there is nothing except the necessary things.
And nothing can kill them. Besides the Daleks. But they don't exist, do they?
So there will be no one to disappoint. No one to hurt. No photographic memory to remember the pain on peoples faces when you leave them... or when they leave you. No senses to breathe in their beautiful scent, or eyes that see in colour so you remember the colour of their eyes, or their hair, or their face. No nerve endings in the fingers, in the hands, to feel how soft their hair is, or to touch and feel how soft their lips are. No more taste buds to enjoy the food you eat.
No need for food, no need for sleep, no need for emotion, no need for ridicule over colour or creed or class, no need for clothing, no need for love, or hate. No need to live in the happy memories of the past, or to ponder and worry over the future, no need to dwell in thoughts, or daydream about him...
All they know is take orders and kill. And maybe that's not the best thing. But its better than all that...isn't it? For us to never feel alone again. Or loved. Or wanted. Or happy...

Maybe being a Cyberman isn't worth giving all that up, after all. Maybe I can stand being human... for him. For now.

Love Deanna xxx

Nothing else I can say...

Posting this in between my dance classes. Yes, my legs hurt already.

I have nothing else to say now. Because there are no dreams to discuss, there is no love I can talk about, because I've said all I can say about it. It hurts, yes. Its in every aspect of my life...
I sit down. Try to write a story. Ends up about love.
I stand up. Turn on the radio. But our song comes on.
Turn it off.
Lay on my bed. Stare at the ceiling. Its got cracks in. And from the angle I'm seeing them, they spell out his name and the word 'love'.
So, I go downstairs, into my garden. But I hear the trees rustle from the wind. And out escapes his voice from them.
So I lay on the table, and stare at the clouds. And they do nothing but gently sway towards the sea from the wind. And they spell nothing. Just beautiful, white masses moving over a perfectly blue sky. The exact shade of his eyes...

Good old photographic memory.

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 17 April 2009

You found me...

I found God, on the corner of First and Amistad, where the west, was all but won, all alone, smoking his last cigarette, I said, Where you been? He said, ask anything.
Where were you, when everything was falling apart? All my days, were spent by the telephone, that never rang, and all I needed was a call, it never came, to the corner of First and Amistad...
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me, lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded, why’d you have to wait? Where were you, where were you? Just a little late, you found me, You found me...

Rest your head and troubles with me. For, even though I am weighed down with my own worries, yours are far more important, my love. I can carry the burden for as long as you need me to. Because I'll never abandon you, like God has with me. Because he'll never answer you, and he'll leave you alone in this world full of hate and woe and sorrow and nasty people... he''ll never help you along the way, except to throw you the odd piece of good luck here and there.

Lost and insecure... you've never found me...

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Chasing lights...

I don't wanna waste another day, I don't wanna live my life this way, I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down and I don't wanna waste another night, I don't wanna keep on chasing lights so go on go on go on, go on go on go on, bye bye...

I'm going to give up on dreaming and hoping and everything in between now, because none of it will ever come true. Its just all one big, fat bunch of lies that I'm telling myself to give myself something to look forward to. Something that won't ever happen. I get my hopes up, wishing for something... hoping its going to happen. Then when it doesn't, I get all sad and depressed. Over something that was never definite in the first place.
I'm going to give up on everything... because nothing is worth all this hoping and wishing and pain at the end of it. Not a million Green and Blacks Easter eggs, not a dozen kisses from the one I love, nothing. Its all pointless. I sit there, or lay in bed, plagued by insomnia, and I daydream, and wish on the stars floating past outside my window. Then sleep consumes me and I dream of all my wishes coming true... and the next morning I wake up and realise it was all a mad, crazy dream, impossibly perfect, with no memorable sound, but I always remembered what people said, and it becomes another memory, and over time it becomes dull and holes begin to form in it, and patches of it I end up forgetting.
I remember once, I dreamt I was in a corridor, talking to one of my best guy friends who I love, but realising nothing was ever going to come of our friendship (at least not what I would've liked), I settled for an amazing friendship in which I could tell him anything. Anyway, we were talking in the corridor. We're talking... and out of the blue, he kisses me. And then I break away. But then he kisses me again. And I remember thinking when I woke up... `I'm sure that was real, it was so vivid`. But then anything can seem real, can't it? Its always been a thought of mine; if you dream it, it could happen. Right? Not so far. And I'm giving up. On every dream I've ever had... because its too painful when I realise it won't happen.

I'm not gonna keep on chasing lights... So go on go on go on... Bye Bye...

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Take me with you...

Take me with you... Wherever you're going, be it heaven or hell, I don't want you going alone. Take me with you... I don't care if I have to die too, I want to be with you now and always. Eternally. Take me with you... through all of your hopes and dreams, everything, because I want to take you there, through every breath, I want to be there. Take me with you.... I'll never let you fall, I'll never let you down. I'll be with you through thick and thin, I don't care if you don't want me with you. Because I'm going wherever you go. Because you've been alone your whole life, as I have, too, and I never want you to be alone again. Its never fair, this game we play called life, because people get lost and they die and they play it all by themselves; and its not right.

Take me with you...

Love Deanna xxx

I'm the only one that's Vulnerable...

I don't know what to do, what to think anymore...
Too many ties... Keep me locked here...
Maybe I should shut myself off from you...
But I know thats impossible, dear...

As I sit and feel, feel all the pain...
And thoughts of you and I collide...
I'm falling in love but you don't plan to catch me...
Even the best fall down sometimes...

Its in your eyes that I find peace...
But I can't seem to work it out from your face...
Logic plays no part in love now...
And you push me out of your embrace...

I can see it in you now...
You're ready and waiting to break...
Because you know its coming soon...
But neither of us look away...

Nothing in our lives is certain now...
But I'm so tired of being all alone...
And I can see you breaking because you are too...
So hand in hand, we walk home...

End of.

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

The last song ever...

I want to find a place. A place where no one is poking and prodding at me or my life. A place where I have friends, and my blog, and MSN. A place that i can sit in without having to worry about world war 3 breaking out. A place where I'm happy with the way I look, how much I weigh. A place where no one wants to change me. A place where everyone likes me for me. A place where everything can be worked out and nothing is ever over. a place where no one falls apart. a place where no one ends up crying on their bedroom floor, knife in hand, because of how shitty her life is.

A place where I can sit and be me.Without anyone interfering.

Love Deanna xxx

True love may only come once...

Yes, I said it. True love... It comes once. It might never touch you. But love, on the other hand... its all around us. It reaches out all the time, but we fail to take its hands and embrace it. We are given the opportunity time and time again... Yet time and time again we miss it. Its sad, really, because we miss it for so many reasons.
We feel it is socially unacceptable to love a certain kind of person.
We fret and fuss over what our friends think.
We judge them on appearance, age, height, looks.
We think too much about all the little details, that in reality, don't matter. I worry about what they look like sometimes. Other times the height concerns me. But none of it matters, in the Grand scheme of things. If they're as beautiful as anything but can't think for themselves, or they're the vainest person in the world, or they don't really care about you... what's the point? When you meet someone, but push them aside because you think you need someone taller, prettier, younger. You never give them that chance to get to know you, because they could be the nicest person in the world. They might be funny, smart, caring; maybe all three. But if you toss them asunder before giving them that chance, before you try to reach out to them... how will you know? You don't know... and you can't sit there on a high horse and think that you deserve Fabio. Because when God made us, he made us in pairs. He used the same things in these two people, because they were meant for each other. And if they're the one for you, then looks and brains and youth and height doesn't matter. We're all put on this Earth for one reason; to go out and find that person. Even if you do nothing else with your life; as long as you have that person, nothing else counts. We may have surgery to make ourselves prettier, go to school to make ourselves smarter, get a job to make ourselves wealthier. But its all to make us live our lives to the fullest. Its all to help us find him... to give us more and more experiences with new people. So it widens our search; it makes everything that much easier.

And other people are going to think different. Of course they are. But this is what I think. And to someone out there, that's all that matters.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 13 April 2009

We're in heaven...

We're walking. I don't know where we're going. I just know I'm with my favourite person on Earth. We walk out of our quaint town. Into small groups of houses; villages. We continue walking. The houses soon become few and far between. The cities vaporise into fields and hills. We continue walking. I'm getting excited as to where you're leading me. You turn to me and smile. No need for words: I can tell we're nearly there.
I see the hills looming not too far away; the only thing separating us from them is a lush, green field. You sweep me into your strong arms and carry me effortlessly across the wide open space, like I'm as light as anything in the world. We reach the base of the hill and you set me on my feet. I stare into your beautiful Mediterranean eyes and I see you smile your perfect smile. Hand in hand, we begin the ascent to the summit of the hill. The one with the single, lonesome tree standing at the top.
We reach the top. And I stand, frozen. There, in the midst of the hill, under that tree, there was a picnic, all set up and ready for eating. I look at you, and you're stood there, smiling. I knew you would do something like this.
We sit down, in silence. There's no need for words. We sit and eat the picnic; consisting of strawberries, light sandwiches, and coleslaw, among other delicious things. I think you know me too well. You know that I love romance. And you did all this. For me. I smile at you once more. You're so beautiful. Your perfect smile, your beautiful chocolate brown eyes, your gorgeous tanned skin. I don't deserve you. But I have you still.

I love you... And I'm so glad you love me for me.

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Why me, why now?

Okay. I'm on holiday. In Spain. Reasonably hot, you know, considering London had snow on Monday. But I'm not enjoying it. I've basically got guys lining up outside my door for my number (very odd) the sun, sea, and sand 5 minutes walk away, a shopping centre that is every woman's dream: 160 stores. But I can only think of one person I want to be with. Not the usual either. He's been on my mind the whole holiday. But its not who everyone's going to think it is. Its not an ex, its not a previous love; just one, real good friend. And, up to now, I've never wanted to be back in England so much as I do right now.
I'm staring out at the coastline, and okay, its beautiful, but all I want to do is go back home to the bipolar climate, dreary housing and annoying family members; because England is where he is. Quite ironic, really, because before flying out, I remember saying 'I can't wait to get away from here'. Now look at me. I just want the whole thing to be done with. Would it be odd to say that I'm sick of the sun? Probably. Its even weirder right now to try to understand what is going on in my head. All I want is him. His reassurance. His guidance. His witty remarks. His... Him-ness (if that's even a word).
What I don't get about the whole thing is, I don't really want love at the moment, and maybe not for a while (unless 'Mr. Right' pops into the picture) yet I still manage to find it. I do not go looking for it, I do not love anyone for the sake saying that I loving someone, but then this happens. Completely throws my plans off course. Don't get me wrong, the guy is so sweet, I wouldn't have this problem otherwise. (I'll stop at sweet, otherwise you'll be reading all night) I don't think I've ever felt like this in my life.

But, for now, to anyone, the identity of him stays under wraps. Partly due to the fact he reads this blog from time to time, partly because I don't want people judging me on my decisions. At least for now.

Love Deanna xxx

The silence.

The party rages from inside.
The music blares and the alcohol supply deplenishes.
But I'm sitting on the steps outside.

I sit in the silence.
There's nothing. No birds chirping,
No wind to rustle the flag standing proud.

I like the eerie silence,
Because, unlike humans and animals and everything in between,
It expects nothing of you.

"You look lost," he says.
"No," I say. "Not lost. Just thinking. Its nice,
Because the silence asks... for nothing."

He is silent for a moment. Staring at the cold, hard tarmac
Beneath our feet. "You had a rough life?" He questions.
"I guess you could call it that."

I slowly stand up to meet his height.
He caresses my left arm lovingly, like I'm already his.
I stare into his face, and he grasps my hands.

And, through blaring music and drunken haze,
Our eyes met; and for a minute,
That music, those people, were drowned out.

We kissed under a starry sky, in the silence.

And maybe he was right. Maybe I was lost that day. But; he found me. And, in that short time; he helped me find myself. And, through the hassle in the past 2 years, all it took was one voice, 4 lines, and 8 words from a beautiful stranger. And; maybe I'll never see him again. A shame? Probably. But, saying all this, I'm forgetting my one lifeline and support that has and is and will be there indefinitely: my friends. They have been a flawless system of support for me, even when they didn't want to be, they have helped me. All of you out there, I don't think there are enough words and enough time in the world for me to thank you sufficiently. The love and support you have shown me, be it intentional or not, for 10 minutes or 10 years, all of it helped me. So, so much. Okay, maybe I'm not all the way there yet with some stuff.But as long as I have my friends, how can it not get better?

With my friends, I am forever thankful. For anything that life or Deaths angel can throw my way.

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 3 April 2009

L, is for the way you look at me...

"DEANNA! Can't you see it? The boy is in love with you! Don't you see it in the way he looks at you, the way he can't get enough of your conversation, the way he is around you. I've never seen his eyes catch alight the way they do when he's with you."
"Don't be so ridiculous. No one could feel that way about such a broken heart. No matter how pretty they were, or how smart they were; no one wants someone with a broken heart. And anyway, why me? I'm hardly the brightest bulb in the box. I'm hardly the shiniest marble in the bag. I'm hardly..."
"Yes, you are. Don't give me that. And of course someone can fall in love with a broken-hearted girl, because HE has. So don't give me OR yourself any of that bullcrap. You think that you're nothing, you convince yourself that no one can ever love you, because you're 'broken', and you and I both know that its rubbish."
I sat there, staring at her in shock. She couldn't be right. Could she?
"It must kill him, you know." she continues. "Knowing that he can't have you. You sit there and tell him about your love life, about how the man you love hurts you, or how he makes you laugh, and he sits there and listens and gives the best advice, because its what makes you happy; and that's all he wants to do: make you happy. It must break his heart knowing your heart always loves another. How he'll not possess your heart. How he is a part of your life but will never be your life. How he..."
I ran out of the room; I couldn't bear to hear any more.

This is a conversation I had with a friend not too long ago. Thought it was interesting. Thought someone might like it.

Love Deanna xxx

A beautiful mess.

Everything in love is just one, big beautiful mess.

It all seems fine, and then, when the wool has been pulled from your eyes and you can see clearly; when you're not blinded by the intensity of your love, you realise you're living in a mess that happens to be something that no one but you can clear up. It may be a very nice mess, but its a mess, and if you clear it, up, it only gets better. But, the thing is, that mess was something that you and someone shared together, and it was what brought you together in the first place. And, as messy as it may be, we never clean it up. Because that mess brought you close to another human. It might last a mere hour, a day, a week, a year, but it was something special that you and another shared together. That mess meant something, if only for a short while.

That mess is something that will always be a mess. To clean it up would be to be a fool. To clean it up would mean, inevitably, that the love is over.

Love Deanna xxx

So scared.

I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of what my friends think of me, scared of what he'll say if I try to tell him what I think of him and how he's all I think about. I'm scared that I'll never be good enough for anyone to love or connect to again, I'm scared that I'm broken, like I don't work properly. I'm scared of what arguments will turn into when they come to a close, I'm scared that I'll never get anywhere in life and I'll stand still while the world grows and people change and things move on. I'm scared that I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or nice enough, or... good enough. I'm scared that one day, people will see through the facade I put to them and realise that I'm an emotional wreck because of some things that happened long ago, so long that any normal person would've gotten over it all by now. I'm scared that I'll do something that maybe I don't really want to do and I'll regret later. I'm scared that I'll ruin everything God has given me. I'm scared of everything.

This is what happens when I sit there and think everything through. I sit there and think of what would happen if I did this instead of that. Because that's what I do. I'm so scared of making the wrong choice that I sit there and think what would come out of each situation. Then I pick the wrong one. Every time. And no matter how hard I try not to do it, not think everything through, I always manage to.

And one day, it will be the inevitable death of me.

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Everybody hurts.

Just something that ran through my head. Thought I'd write it on here. Enjoy.

I had no idea what was running through my head. So many emotions rolled themselves together, it was hard to tell whether I really wanted to do what I was about to do. Everything was so messed up now. I'd messed everything up. Cheated on my boyfriend, drove my mum away, made mmy dad drive to work rather than take the bus.
I stared at the smooth, pale skin that covered my wrist. So silky, so pretty and pale. Because everyone thought I was so perfect. Because little young, pretty Savannah can do no wrong. Because no one realises that I don’t see what they see; I see a failure, an ugly disgrace to the human race. So much hurt inside that I needed to let out; to talk to someone.
But I had no one. There was no one for me to talk to. My mother was long gone, run away. My dad is in hospital, in a critical condition, and I don’t know if he’ll survive the night. My boyfriend (if I can still call him that after what I did) has flown to Spain. He ‘needs his space at the moment’. My friends all think I’m crazy, they won’t come near me. And, after what I’m about to do, maybe they’re right.
I took hold of the cold, metal knife and made the first cut.

So there.

Love Deanna xxx