Saturday, 30 May 2009

Silence is golden...

"...He's never hurt you, you know Deanna. All this time. And he's always thought of your feelings. He..."
"Look, I'm not having the easiest time right now, and if you're going to have another blowout at me like yesterday, then I'd rather not, thanks."
"I'm not going to shout at you at how rotten of a person you are. I just thought I'd say. But isn't it true as. He's never hurt you by saying what he really thinks. Like how maybe the one you really love isn't right for you. He'll give you the advice he thinks you deserve. And you've never even said..."
"Look, I'm your friend and all. But I didn't sign up for you trying to tell me how to live my life. Its hard enough. Without you saying how if I went with him, I'd be better off. Don't you think I know that? To be honest, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. Its all messed up. And you doing this only makes the whole thing worse. So I'm going to go and sit on the beach and think about everything. Guess I'll see you around."
"But I was only..."
"See you around."

Ah... If only she'd be quiet every once in a while.

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 29 May 2009

Help, he needs somebody...

"Oh, Deanna, you are so stupid. He needs you! He's always needed you! But you've been too caught up in your terrible life to notice. You don't appreciate who or what is right in front of you. Or who helps you. And you, you get so caught up in when he makes you happy, and when you see him on the sidewalk. And now you're too stuck-up to even care about anyone else. The people who help you with all this; its like they don't even matter to you. It almost makes me feel sick. You take everyone for granted and don't stop to think of how their life is. How many times have you ever asked how his life is? You know, the one who has always helped and supported you. Even when his world is crashing down around his ears. Even when you're perfectly happy with someone else. Huh? How many times have you helped him???"
"It's not like that, I..."
"None! None. Its so ridiculous. You seek help from others. And they give it willingly. Hoping one day you'll pay them back with a little help. And every time you let them down! You don't just let them down. You let yourself down. And that's what's so heart-breaking. You let me down. I thought, maybe, you might find it in you to realise that they need help as much as you. He struggles, on and on, day to day, every day growing more impossible. Knowing, in his heart; you'll never have him. too wrapped up in people who hurt you. Who don't give you the love you deserve."
"But, I tried, I want to, I mean... I don't see it like that..."
"Yeah? Well maybe you should. You need to open your eyes and see the bigger picture."
"But he never asked for help with..."
"He shouldn't have to ask. A good friend can look at someone smiling and still know something's wrong. And you can't even do that?"
"Well I..."
"You make me feel sick. I have nothing more to say to you."

And the shattering thing about all that is...
She was right. About everything.

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Fairytales...

I need to accept that life isn't a fairytale. Good people always lose. And love never conquers all.
Because if love was a fairytale, I'd have you. If love was a fairytale, the evil stepmother would've been banished or dead by now and you would've come to save me, riding a white horse. Instead, she lurks and you remain at arms length, leaving me at the hands of a nightmarish life.
If good people won all the time, she would've won her battle against cancer. If good people won all the time, he wouldn't have been taken away. He wouldn't have been hit by that car. She wouldn't have to hurt herself to relieve herself of all the stress and pain. When all it really does is make it worse. Scared someones gonna find out. Scared she'll get put in a mental health unit. Afraid she'll have to go see those psychiatrists all over again. Afraid of the scars she'll be blessed with in later life. If good people won all the time, the world would be a perfect kind of place.
If love conquered all... then she would never have to have cancer. If love conquered all, he wouldn't have had to leave, because love was the reason he was taken away. He would never have been arguing with his girlfriend when he crossed that road, so he would've seen that car. And she wouldn't have to hurt herself over how many times she'd loved and lost. Or over how her mother doesn't love her. Or how it cuts her up, how her best friend is always picking the wrong girl, when he has the perfect one standing by his side all along.

But none of that will ever happen;

Because Life isn't a fairytale. Good people always lose. And love does not conquer all.

Love Deanna xxx

Fearless...

Ah, the dream of being fearless. We all want it. But to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. Its fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its fearless to fall in love with your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologises to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think its fearless to stop believing them. Its fearless to say "you're not sorry", and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright...That's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why they're all there. That's why we exist.

Because I think love is fearless.

Love Deanna xxx

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Teardrops on my guitar..

He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see... That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be. I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about... And she's got everything that I have to live without... He talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny, that I can't even see anyone when he's with me... He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right, I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...
You're the reason for the teardrops on my guitar... The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star... You're the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do...

I see him in my dreams... the one you stole away from me, my friend. Floating, as if he's in water. Reaching out towards me. But its not me he's reaching for. The only one he wants now is you. You took my love from me, my best friend and my love. Both gone in a heartbeat. We were perfect together, and you come along, not even smart or all that pretty, and steal him away from me. And no matter how hard I try, I can't get him back. And now even though he belongs to you, I can't let him go.

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar...

Love Deanna xxx

Dry your eyes babe...

I look at her, she stares almost straight back at me, but her eyes glaze over like she’s looking’ straight through me. Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity... When they open up she’s looking’ down at her feet...
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested, she wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with, she peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures by pushing my hand away to my chest, from hers...
Trying to pull her close out of bare desperation... Put my arms around her trying to change what she’s saying, pull my head level with hers so she might engage in... Look into her eyes to make her listen again...
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist, gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight, turns around so she’s now got her back to my face... takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away...

Things can't always go the way we want them to. When we want something really bad, we become hungry for it. The need to be loved, that pair of shoes that cost £320, the need to stay together... that person who is just out of your reach. Sometimes, you find them, and it works, you're made for each other, and being with them is so natural.
This is what its like when I'm with him.

But why doesn't he realise it????

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 21 May 2009

I don't know...

Calm down... deep breaths, and get yourself dressed... instead of running around, and pulling all your threads and, breaking yourself up... if it's a broken part, replace it, if it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it... and hold your own, know your name, and go your own way... hold your own, know your name, and go your own way... and everything, will be fine...
All the details in the fabric, are the things that make you panic, are your thoughts results of static cling? Are the things that make you blow, hell, no reason, go on and scream... if you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing...
Everything, will be fine.

I don't know how it helped me. It helped with the stress and pain and sorrow at the slow realisation that he never has and never will want me. It numbed that feeling that I am not wanted. It took away all the problems and thoughts churning in my head that night. It stopped the wanting and wishing and waiting. It took away some of the horrible-ness of my life. Not the wisest decision of my life so far. But we all make stupid mistakes. I'm far from perfect. Everyone thinks I can do no wrong, but if they only knew what goes on...

If only if only...

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Home...

Its so nice to be home now. Not because I didn't enjoy it, or because of the weather, or even because the food was terrible (which okay, it kind of was, but not the point here). Because all I could think of was him. Everywhere I turned, no matter who I was talking to or what I was looking at, he was stuck in my head. How I wasn't even going to see him until Saturday anyways, how he'll probably never understand it or feel the same way. How he has obtained both my heart and my head in the short time span we've known each other.

But this time is different to every other time. This time, I'm going careful. This time, I'm watching my back, because no one else seems to watch it for me. This time, there's a chance he feels something too. This time, I'm sure of what I'm feeling. This time, being with him, being my hand entwined with his, it all felt so natural. Everything about him I like. Okay, he's not perfect. But who is? Everything about him fits into me perfect.

Two beautifully matched puzzle pieces that slot together. Because they were made for each other.
Heaven.

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 15 May 2009

Now's the chance...

I'm so... sad? Angry? Everything? I don't know. But there are some things I need to do now. Some things I need to say. In case I... never mind.

I need to thank him. He's helped me, even when he needs help, he's lifted me up from the bottom. Maybe not all the time, but maybe that was because I wouldn't let him. I wanted to be down there, depressed and sad, because its the time we feel our most alive. He needed me, and he still does, but I put... myself before him. How selfish I was. Whether he minded or not. But I had a reason. Because he was the only one I could talk to. And tell everything. And now he is where I am. Stuck on the brink, wondering what to do, unable to let all his feelings out, and I can't help him. Not because I don't want to, but I don't know how to. I don't even know if he wants me to help him. I've been such a rotten person. He's been there through everything. Even if he didn't want to listen, he did. And not once did I ever say thank you. So, here it is... Thank you. For everything and being there and listening and not judging.

I miss him. Everyone knows that. But there is a part of me, as much as I have moved on, there is a part of me that misses him and wants him back. Because he stopped me from... never mind. And another part of me hates him. And another part of me wants to cry every time I think of him. But I suppress that part of me. And it is the death of me, inevitably. Bottling things up isn't good for me. But why should my friends have to share the burden with me? Why should I make them help me? Why should I waste paper, writing it all down in a diary? Why should people have to sit there and read this? So I bottle it all up so my friends think I'm fine. But I want to cry. When I'm tired, the slightest thing can set me off. I'll just cry. Because when I'm tired, I have not the slightest concentration nor the energy to hold up that disguise.

And I want to say... I love you, mum. We sit there and argue, we hardly ever see eye to eye, and I sometimes hated you for pushing me the way you did; but without it, I wouldn't be who I am. Whether that's a good thing or not is another matter, another question without an answer in my life. At the end of the day, I always love you. I don't think we ever say it to each other and really mean it. But I do. So there you go.

And everyone else in my life, I love you all to pieces, you are all wonderful people who I adore for being there and cheering me up. Trusting me with your secrets, Because you knew I would keep them till the day I died. Which is going to be soon.
Some of you cheered me up just by telling me about your day, because I was always willing to listen. I would always sit there and listen and give the best advice I could for you, even if it went against my beliefs, which are few and far between. And I hope I helped and impacted your lives in some way.

I hope I had an influence on you all. Now? I become Cyberwoman; and switch off.

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Since you've been gone...

I know this might sound crazy, but I don't know what I did, to make you wanna leave. You think we've been here before, I say I'm sorry, you come back...

Cause since you've been gone, I just can't seem to get right... and I miss you more than you'll ever know, boy I just want a chance to talk to you, let you know that I've changed... since you been gone, I stay awake all night, this bed just ain't the same...without you here, I felt like I was alone, since you've been gone... since you've been gone from me...

Since you've been gone, I don't really know how I'm getting through life. I pass through each day, unaware of what is really going on, trying to listen to everyone and help them whenever I can, because I can't help myself. I actually feel as though I'm on autopilot, like I'm not really in control of my body or my being and I just do what is required of me day in, day out.

And I don't think I'll ever change, even if I wanted to.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 11 May 2009

If...

If you were called before cupids court, for stealing my heart, trespassing in my dreams and robbing me of my senses.
Say you were sentenced to a lifetime with... me.
How would you plead??

You stole my heart the very day you said hello. And cracked that ridiculous joke about hippopotamuses. And made me laugh and smile. And gave me that beautiful lopsided grin. The very day I met you, you stole it from me, with your charm and wit and gorgeous auburn hair.
You trespass in my dreams every night. You feature in them constantly, always that little bit out of reach. Sometimes, I never see your face. Other times, your face is all I see. Trying to escape you is an impossibility, especially in my subconscious.
You have robbed me of my senses, that very day you touched my face and held my hands. That very day you kissed me because you thought I'd died on the floor from exhaustion, when all I'd done was passed out. It was a good kiss, no doubt about that. That very day you patted me on the back and inhaled my flowery scent. And stared into my eyes with such intensity that I thought I would never be able to look away.

If you were called before cupids court, for stealing my heart, trespassing in my dreams and robbing me of my senses.
Say you were sentenced to a lifetime with... me.
How would you plead??


Because you are guilty of all three.

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 8 May 2009

Before I go to sleep...

He never came back. After all that. And the sad thing about the matter is; he never cared anyway. I thought he did for a while. But now I've realised; I was a game. That's not even the part that hurts, though. Its the fact that it took me this long to realise that I was a toy to be used and then thrown away. I really did love him, you know. And all he did was throw it back in my face. But I still stood there and gave all I had, like a loyal companion; never doubting him for a second. I don't think a day goes by when I don't think of him; but I bet he doesn't think of me once in a blue moon. I'm probably just a bad dream to him.

As he is to me. It started off that I would dream of him. He was something that was out of reach to me, something that was on my Christmas list; but the one thing I would never get. Now he haunts me. I see him in my worst nightmares. He is the very thing that makes me wake up screaming. The one thing that scares me more than anything in the world;

once an angel, the devil alike.

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Forgive me...

When things...happen, like you fight with a friend. You break up with your boyfriend, or girlfriend. You have a big fight with your parents. And okay, fair enough, you want to forget about it. Go 'back to normal'. But you can't go back to normal. Because something has happened that wasn't there before. And this prevents you from going back to normal.
And the old normal becomes a memory.
Its funny really, because all this business of 'Forgive and Forget' is nonsense. Because how can you forget something that happened? Its there, it happened, you can't erase it or delete it. Its not a computer file. You can't put it in the recycle bin, you can't delete it. You can't shove it in the back of a wardrobe and forget about it, or put it on a bonfire and burn it.
So you find a new normal. You have no other choice.

And you live with the new normal. Like it, or not.

Love Deanna xxx

Saturday, 2 May 2009

When you look me in the eyes...

If the heart is always searching, can you ever find a home? I've been looking for that someone, I'll never make it on my own.
Dreams can't take the place of loving you, there's gotta be a million reasons why it's true, when you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of heaven... I find my paradise, when you look me in the eyes.
More and more, I start to realise, I can reach my tomorrow, I can hold my head high, and it's all because you're by my side.

All because you're there with me... because by being there, you make everything okay.
But you're not going to be there much longer. My days grow shorter now, and having you there these past few years has been so nice. But the rest of my life spent without you is a thought I don't wish to face.
As I count down those days, and the day of departure grows nearer, I silently wish I could go with you. I silently scream and cry. I silently wish you would never leave me. Because I think, no, I know that I can't go on without you.
And when you look me in the eyes, I catch a glimpse of heaven. I find a paradise so perfect, when I look into your eyes. Even if you don't feel it too. Even if you leave without a goodbye, or a hug, or a confession...

A smile is all I ask for, on the last day...

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 1 May 2009

I'm falling for you again...

I don't wanna go to sleep, because if I do that, will you be there in the morning? Am I dreaming all this, because all this is like a fairytale. You're too perfect. Its too perfect. You fell right into my lap. You, with your dirty blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, and a soft voice. Beautifully soft skin, and stunning red lips.
Yet, you frightened me that day. Two words, over and over, 'COME HERE.' And I never doubted you for a second. I was shaking, I was scared, I was downright terrified, but I trusted you. And I know that you'd never hurt me.
But my time with you is so limited now. I sit there sometimes and wonder if I really was right in keeping my feelings for you locked in a box for so long. I felt them, but the age. It sent alarm bells ringing in my head. So I pushed it all to the back of my head, in a small velvet box, keeping them to myself, and maybe forgetting them. But the realisation of you not being here in 8 weeks hit me, and reawakened all those locked thoughts. They shoved themselves to the surface and refused to be locked back up in the box.
So I'm faced with a dream. Everyday, for a while, I'm faced with a dream which I continue to live in, I continue to be close to you, so close to touching you, but you're that little bit out of reach. Because you're too perfect, and you're too amazing, and you're too... wow, for me. I could sit here and try to make it seem possible between us. But I know its not. So I'll gather up all those thoughts again and shove them into that velvet box again...

And eventually, I'll have to wake up from this dream. Because its time to face the real world and stop the dreams and hopes. Because they get in the way of everything else.

Love Deanna xxx