Monday, 29 June 2009

The day the music died...

My idol. The one who I danced to. Cried to. Wanted to meet so badly. He's gone. In the blink of an eye. No warnings.
This is the day the music dies, the day the greatest died, the day a genius died, the day the immortal died. This, is the end of life as we know it.
We can honour him with flowers, we can pay our respects by listening to his music. But, in the end, he's gone.
I am so shocked an saddened by the death of Michael Jackson. A light has gone out in this world - but a great party must be going on in heaven right now. He is up there singing with Elvis, Luther, Barry. Earth's loss is heavens gain. And a troubled, brilliant entertainer is now at peace. In this world of wannabe's and fame-hungry kids churned out by reality-TV, we will never have someone with such raw, untouchable talent ever again. Regardless of your colour and creed.
Michael Jackson's career spanned 5 decades. Since the tender age of 5 years old, he has been in the business, rolling out the hits and the heartbreakers. His composition skills were indescribable. His voice was that of an angel. His dancing was irreplaceable and completely unique. Only one man could get the whole world hooked on one dance; Michael Jackson. The Moonwalk.
And despite bad press and media reports, I've stuck with him all the way. Through the false allegations. Through the number one hits.
However, over the last few years, I lost faith. Became wrapped up in artists like Ne-Yo, Chris Brown, other people who took inspiration from the King himself. I took his music for granted. Still, I listened to his music, and it still played a massive role in my life. Its just, other things became more important.
We all have special memories throughout our lives and his music has gotten me through a lot of difficult times as well as some happy ones.
Thank you for the music, Michael. Thank you for my childhood. You were the greatest and will live on forever.

Michael Joseph Jackson - Singer, Songwriter, Record producer, Dancer, Choreographer, Philanthropist.
Father, Brother, Friend, and Inspiration.
August 29th, 1958 - June 25th, 2009.

Love, Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

I can't read you...

I wish I knew what he was thinking right now.
Somewhere, far away, he's thinking. Just... not of me, like I want him to be. I was so sure he loved me. But that's an uncertainty now. I... could always tell what he was thinking. But now I'm not as sure as I want to be. I need to know what he thinks of me. otherwise its going to be a disaster all over again. I'm never going to know what he thinks of me, he's never going to know what I make of him, then he's going to get up and leave, like everyone else...
Because he told me he was going to. Someday.
He's going to make it big in the world. Move to some big city, have a real big life. One which I cannot be a part of. There is no rhyme or reason for him to want me to follow him. No room in his suitcase for me to come with him. Not this time.
Never in my life have I felt such joy as when I am with him. He keeps me going. He's the reason I get up in the mornings. And the reason I don't get up and leave this stupid, boring, small town on the South cast which no one has ever heard of. He's the reason I stay.
I don't want him to go.
I've asked him. What's he gonna do? Where's he gonna go? The Army, is what. Iraq is where. Plain and simple, he says.
I want to scream at him, NO!
NOT plain and simple!
VERY big decision here!

How can he leave everything behind?
How can he leave... me behind?

I can't read him anymore... and its killing me...

Monday, 22 June 2009

Out of our heads...

I dyed my hair.
A plum-red colour.
And it got me thinking; why do people dye their hair? Maybe for a change.
They get tired of looking at the same old reflection.
It gives them a confidence boost.
But, inevitably, it is because people wish to become someone else. They want to take themselves away from the norm of everyday life. To become a new person. With the new hair colour comes new attributes. A chance to turn over a new leaf. Start again. Forget about the past and go into the following day unshackled by our demons. Then, over time, the colour fades. But our new personality remains with us. We become another stereotype on a shelf, as our old self becomes forgotten. Another name on an old, weathering gravestone in the deepest corner of the yard in our heads. And slowly, it gets pushed deeper and deeper. Soon, it becomes forgotten. The old, nice, different us. And then people get used to the new us. Eventually.

But then, its time for us to dye it again.

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 18 June 2009

I'll be there for you...

I want to help you so much, but I can't help you if you won't let me...
C'mon, Hugo, be fair. You've helped me so much. Don't you think I ought to repay the favour??
You've done so much for me, and time and time again, I've thanked you. I hope. So why won't you let me help you? I barely talk to you... well, I guess that's my fault. I never make the time, and I should. And I know gossip is a killer. I've been through all that. Three years of speculation on my life. They feed off it, they're vultures. Just ignore it. Because unfortunately, you'll never stop it. Its always gonna be here. And you should know that I want to help you. But if you never tell me what's wrong, I can't ever help you.

You can open up to me. Because I won't judge, and I won't force you to take my advice, and I won't go and gossip about it. I'll always be here. I promise, for as long as I live, I'll be here.

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Running in circles...

I haven't thought about the skeleton in my closet for a while. He popped into my head today. And I recently found this on the Internet.

And never, ever in my life have I ever wanted someone to feel bad for hurting me. I usually take all the blame, save face and all that. But how I wish he would feel the slightest thing, the smallest remorse, guilt, sadness at breaking my heart. No doubt he's sitting there, laughing about the whole ordeal. I was so true to him, and he repaid me by scarring me for life. By loving him the way I did, I was forced to grow up quickly and now I cannot get back that lost time. My lost childhood. I never lived every day to the fullest. I wasted about two years of my life chasing an idiot around the ring of love. The only trouble was, he was running after someone else all the time. And never noticed me. He loved me, once. Long ago. But I didn't know it. And then he stopped loving me for someone else. And I still carried on loving him, foolishly. God, I was so stupid. Still am, for saying dumb things and loving stupid people. I hang onto the past for far too long. I don't think when I say things. I'm completely unreliable. I try too hard. I don't live up to expectations like I should. I never love the right people. The list goes on for miles, about what's wrong with me. Oh, look. There's another. I put myself down too much. See? See what he drove me to?

I'm stuck leading a life of pain. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 8 June 2009

What could it mean...

He stays up till one o'clock in the morning just to talk to me. That has to mean something... right?
Or... maybe its all one crazy dream from which I hope to never wake.

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 4 June 2009

To have a friend like her...

I feel for her. My poor, poor Beth. Her life can't get much worse. But she's being so strong through all of it. There's not a lot I can say to help her, but I want her to know that I'm always here for her. For the rest of my life. I'll always help you when yo need me. Because you help me all the time. And I'm always so grateful. I might have said thank you already, but I'll say it again; Thank you, Beth. And I promise you; everything will work out, even if I have to straighten it out with my bare hands. Everything, you, me, your parents; its all going to be fine. Sure, we might get scraped along the way. But without scrapes and mistakes, we can't learn and feel pain to know what happiness is.

I'm always here. No matter what happens.

Love Deanna xxx

Yet, life goes on...

We become hurt so easily in this world. But as we sit and weep and try to put ourselves back together, the world carries on turning. It won't stop for us and wait till we catch up. We hurt. We fall down a lot. But the world carries on turning, failing to wait for us and allow us to become stable again. So we struggle on, slightly behind everyone else, trying to catch up and get on with life. But we fall again and again, and we fall further and further behind. Eventually we stop moving altogether. We become a person, standing still as a statue, while everyone else continues to move with the world, and it goes on without us.

But we meet other people, along the way, who have fallen down, too. And we can help them back on the path. And we run it together, us two people. We help each other to catch up. And we get back on track with the world. And we continue to run together, helping each other up when we fall.

And life goes on. Except, now, with this person by our side, it runs with us.

Love Deanna xxx