Thursday, 30 July 2009

L.O.V.E

I can't even sit there and watch a good romantic film anymore. Its kinda gotten to the point now where I hate romantic movies because they always have a happy ending in which the girl gets the super-hot boy. Because they always get together, and they're always perfect together, because if it was any other way, no one would watch the stinking film.
And I can't even fall for someone who is willing to catch me.
I'm happy for my friends when their love life goes great, I don't feel sad that they're happy and I'm not, I'm just jealous. BIG TIME.
I wish I could find one person. Just one! Is that so much to ask?? One person who loves and cares for me, who is willing to risk it all for me, someone who will take me out on picnics and to the beach and is happy just to be with me, who doesn't necessarily want all the saliva-related stuff.
Someone, who maybe, is happy to lay under the stars and listen to my heartbeat and doesn't ask anything of me. Someone who doesn't want anything from me, who will happily listen to me talk forever and a day.

But that's too much to ask for from God, isn't it?

Of course it is.

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Easier to get used to...

It is a curious thing, but as one travels the world getting older and older, it appears that happiness is easier to get used to that despair. The second time you have a root beer float, for instance, your happiness at sipping the delicious concoction may not be quite as enormous as when you first had a root beer float, and the twelfth time your happiness may still be less enormous, until root beer floats begin to offer you very little happiness at all, because you have become used to the taste of vanilla ice cream and root beer mixed together.
However, the second time you find a drawing pin in your root beer float, your despair is much greater than the first time, when you dismissed the drawing pin as a freak accident rather than part of the scheme of the employee who is trying to injure your tongue, and by the twelfth time you find a drawing pin your despair is even greater still, until you can hardly utter the phrase 'root beer float' without bursting into tears.
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or pistachio pudding, to which you can eventually become accustomed to...

But despair is something rather surprising each time you encounter it.

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Clueless.


Isn't it funny.
I've fallen again.
Remember when you were a little kid and you stood in your garden on the lawn, and you started spinning? And you know you should stop because you're only going to get hurt at the end of it, but you can't? That's what its like.
Only problem is, he doesn't plan to catch me this time. Because he can't.
Does he know that I can't breathe without him? Does he know that I would do anything for him? Does he know how much he's hurting me by loving someone else?
Nah. He has no idea.
He is utterly clueless. And staying with his girl. Much to my disappointment.
Does he even have an idea of how much I love him?
Nope. He's just as clueless in that area of it too.
He has no idea how much I'd do for him, no idea how much being away from him hurts me, no idea how much knowing that he loves another hurts me, and no idea of how much I love him.

And he doesn't care anyway.

Love Deanna xxx

Monday, 27 July 2009

Eyes wide shut

My eyes are shut, trying to shield them from this world. Maybe this is a good time for you to shut your eyes too, not just to avoid reading this history, but to imagine the beginning of another.
It is likely your own eyes were closed when you were born, so that you left the safe place of your mother's womb and joined the treachery of the world without seeing exactly where you were going. You did not yet know the people who were helping make your way here, or the people who would shelter you as your life began, when you were even smaller and more delicate and demanding than you are now.
It seems strange that you would do such a thing, and leave yourself in the care of strangers for so long, only gradually opening your eyes to see what all the fuss was about, and yet this is the way nearly everyone comes into the world.
Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be no one in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.
In any case, this is how all our stories begin, in darkness with our eyes closed;

and all our stories end the same way too, with all of us muttering some last words - or maybe someone else's - before slipping back into darkness as our history comes to an end.

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 26 July 2009

The Little Engine That Could

Perhaps one night, when you were very small, someone tucked you into bed and read you a story called 'The Little Engine That Could,' and if so you have my profound sympathies, as it is one of the most tedious stories on Earth. The story probably put you right to sleep, which is the reason it is read to children, so I will remind you that the story involves the engine of a train that for some reason has the ability to think and talk. Someone asks The Little Engine That Could to do a difficult task too dull for me to describe, and the engine isn't sure it can accomplish this, but it begins to mutter to itself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can," and before long it has muttered its way to success.
The moral of the story is that if you tell yourself you can do something, then you can actually do it.

Of course, this moral is easily disproved if you tell yourself that you can eat nine pints of ice-cream in one sitting, or that you can shipwreck yourself on a distant Caribbean island by setting off in a canoe with sawed holes in it.

Or you tell yourself you can tell him how you feel...

Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 24 July 2009

Compasses

Many people tell me that I need a compass, so I always know which direction I'm facing and which direction home is.
I think they are very much mistaken. What I need is a moral compass, which is something inside a person, in the brain or perhaps in the heart, that tells you the proper thing to do in a given situation. A navigational compass, as any good inventor knows, is made from a small piece of magnetised metal and a simple pivot, but the ingredients in a moral compass are not as clear.
Some believe that every person is born with a moral compass already inside them, like an appendix, or a fear of worms. Others believe that a moral compass develops over time, as a person learns about the decisions of others by observing the world and reading books.
In any case, a moral compass appears to be a very delicate device, and as people grow older and venture out into the world,it often becomes more and more difficult to figure out which way one's moral compass is pointing,so it is harder and harder to figure out the proper thing to do.

Of course, this is when we start slipping up and making mistakes.

Love Deanna xx

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Why not think?

Thinking about something is like picking up a stone whilst talking a walk, either while skipping rocks on the beach, for example, or looking for a way to hit his bedroom window to get his attention.
When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened by your thoughts that you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or the window sitting unopened; thinking too hard about too many things to do anything else.
As we think more and more, we find solutions to one thought. However, as this one thought is solved and forgotten about, we open a 'can of worms' as it were. This, of course, means that as one thought is forgotten, another ten spring out of nowhere.

So, looking at this from a logical point of view, it is better not to think at all. If you never wonder, and never solve any of the thoughts already gathered, you can't open any more mysteries.
But, as we all know, the human mind doesn't function this way.

To satisfy it; you have to think. Otherwise, it will never be right.

Love Deanna xxx

Saturday, 18 July 2009

Love is hard...

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones, cuts so deep it hits your soul. Tears your skin and makes your blood flow...
It's better that you know, that love is hard. Love takes hostages, gives them pain, gives someone the power to hurt you again and again... but they don't care...

I sit here, caught up in this mess that is love. But its almost unrecognisable; its all mashed up. From where we've been fighting a war for so long. Too long. Trouble is, love is winning. Its mashed up, but I've been reduced to a pulp. Motionless on the floor, unable to lift what is left of my mind up to figure out what to do next.

Love has broken me. It leaves me with no control over anything. It has power over what I do, where I go, what I say. Even when I'm away from him, when I should be able to escape the bitter truths of life, my mind is taken over. I'm forced to sit awake and listen to his voice in my mind. Look back on the memories and how I could've done it all different. Think about anything to do with him. I'm unable to think about normal things, school, sports, what I ate for dinner. My mind is worked, over and over, until I could scream from how much my brain aches, but no matter what I do, I can't stop it.

Its happening now... I can't even see straight... I tried to fight back for a while, and it worked, for a short time. Now, I'm beat so bad I have no energy to fight back... Even if I tried, it would just stop me anyway. Its too powerful for me... for anyone.

Cos love is hard...

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Balancing

I'm... on a balance beam. The balance beam of life. With every step I take, I am risking my life. With every step, I become able to fall off the edge. Fall to the left, and I fall to death. Fall to the right, and I have to keep falling until I can find another balance beam to cling to.

Some would argue that its just better to stay still on the beam so it becomes impossible for us to fall off. But, if we never take chances in life, we'll never move anywhere. Without taking chances, we become stuck in a rut. When we don't move for long periods, we forget how to move. So the only place to go is down. Whether its the left or right is our choice.
Some choose the left, because life is too hard. They think it might be better to end it all and give up. Sometimes, they might be right. Some people have it so hard; maybe it's better just to fall and it be over with. Of course, eventually, we all fall to the left. We all have our time to fall.
Some go to the right, meaning that they try to start afresh by choosing a new life beam. They think life will get better of they change their lifestyle. Many, of course are right. Some regret it. But. like death, it's inevitable that we change our lifestyle every now and again. It, like falling to the left, is required in our lives.

But which is better? Being lost in depression, lost in darkness, or lost in midair?

Love Deanna xxx

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Messed up and confused...

Everything is so messed up...

I love him. That is one thing I am sure of. But he is forbidden to me, I'm not allowed to have him. He might not want me anyway.

But... when he dances, he leaves me breathless. I was captivated when he started to move. His interpretation of the song was so beautiful, so different, so emotional. It made me want to get up and kiss him. To know if he felt... anything for me. But I stayed glued to the spot, unable to bring myself to interrupt the beauty of his moves. I was unable to get up from my position. Unable to move, because I as so mesmerised by him.
Its not just on the dance floor that he's amazing, its everything. He's smart, witty, beautiful, and such a wonderful listener.
But, I thought I was done with feeling anything for him. That was a long time ago. Truth is, I never got over him, did I? I fooled myself.

I love him, yet I cannot have him...

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Deanna, you are a stupid idiot.

Cos you said, said he was the one, baby yes you said, said you were in love... when you left me, you said that you wouldn't be coming back, remember that, but I never agreed...
I hate to say it but I told you so, told you if you left that you were gonna be miserable, guess he don't do it like me, or else you wouldn't be running back to the past, it was you that left me... I hate to say it but you know I'm right, every time you're up and calling for me late at night, but now that you ain't got me, tell me where you gonna be, cos I can't take you back, no my heart won't let me...

He's thinking it. Right now. He's asking himself why I left him. What we had was such a good thing. But I ended it because... I don't think I can answer that. Could I ever answer that?
And so, I left him with a broken heart and me unhappy with a gap in my life. I tried to tell myself that he wasn't right for me, too stupid and immature. But none of that mattered to me before. That was what all my 'friends' thought of him. I listened to them and broke it off with him, is that it? How stupid! God, I can be so shallow! That's not why I'm writing this. I can kick myself later. I'm writing this because I'm lonely.I always was once it ended. Everyone was talking at me, but none of it ever made any sense because I was, I am, caught in a middle-ground. Unable to tear myself away from him. Not strong enough to live without my friends.
One... small problem. I've been lonely for so long. But, would he want me back? I mean, what if he's over it, over me? Would he want me, a horrible, self-centered, inconsiderate girl, back? Would you have me? Didn't think so. He could find better out there. But would any be like me? After two days he told me that he loved me. Two days! He was hopelessly devoted. ...OH! I remember why I ended it now! I didn't see the point when I was in love with someone else. And what was the point if I loved someone else more than I could ever love him? Surely all that knowledge does is hurt him? Knowing that there is always going to be someone else? That he'll never have all of me? All my love? You know, it felt like I was constantly cheating on him! I never did, mind you, but I couldn't tear myself away from this other guy. I'm still trying now. And its not working for me. He's so cuddly and romantic... among other things. So, what? I'm supposed to forget about my ex because I don't love him as much as Bob? Bob would never hurt me, yet when I was with my ex, all I can remember from it was us arguing over really stupid things. We couldn't seem to agree on anything! But Bob has never argued with me. Ever. He's mature. He's honest. His eyes are to die for. So, why isn't it simple? Bob, right?

...Right?

Love Deanna xxx