Monday, 31 August 2009

What the hell did I do?

Staring. Staring.
Smile. Your flawless smile.
How I managed to get you I don't know.
Maybe I shot you out the sky.
Maybe I wished on your star.
Maybe you fell from heaven into my lap.
Maybe you came for me.
All I know is, you came from that big, beautiful canvas above my head.
Nothing on Earth could ever be so perfect.

But, either way, I couldn't care less where you came from.
You're here now and that's all that matters to me.

Stay with me forever and a day.
I never want to lose you.
Fact.

Love, D. xx

Friday, 28 August 2009

Updates and surprises

Um... sorry for the unexplainable outburst the other day.

Just thought I'd apologise and update you on my life as of late.
  • Status: Happily Dating. I didn't think this would happen so perfectly and so soon. And somehow, I didn't think he was suited to me at all. But he's perfect. My perfection.
  • Recent activities: Hm. As you know, I went to Butlins. Now, I didn't think this would be as entertaining as it was. It was really good. Swimming was great, the weather held until we were leaving the train station on the way home, so we only got slightly damp. And I went to the cinema yesterday. Saw 'Aliens in the attic'. Rather amusing. And I'm not going into any further details; I'll just have you know that my bed smells of Joop.
  • Future activities: Well. I have a Barbecue tomorrow, which my family are all attending. That starts at 2, then I have to find the time to repair my shoes and practice my Pointe. After that, I have to organise my bag for the year ahead and then make sure I find time on the weekend for stuff other than work. Could be a challenge.
  • Current thoughts or anything else I'd like to say: Hm. I like that boy. How the hell am I going to make it though tomorrow. And sorry again for the other day. It involves certain people I don't wish to think about anymore.

Thank you for understanding me and not judging;

LoveLoveLove, -D- xx

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Heaven? ME?!?! What crud you chattin?

Anything I have cared to mention about perfection and heaven on Earth and, how I'm happy; forget that shit now. Excuse the occasional swearing. Please. I'm so freaking mad right now, I think I want to go to the shore and jump off the first cliff I find. Or, maybe, I'll go to the hills and scream about how much I loathe life. My life, to be precise. And its not even the whole of the damn thing! Just the part which should never falter; my. Par. Ents. Parents. I don't really know whether I should write this on here. But, to be quite honest, I really couldn't care less what trouble this freaking page could get me into that it hasn't already. I warned you; this was my place to go when no one else cared to listen. This was the place you'd see all the fights, the heights, the love, the hate, my fate. Normally, I'm a very non-violent person.

Yeah, that's out the window. I'm going to go throw myself off a cliff and bleach my dad's favourite shirt. ...Fine, I'm not throwing anything off a cliff, or bleaching any clothing. But I'm so close to doing it, it scares me.

Hate, war and disdain unto you all,

-D-.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Dreamy, kind, and an impractical heaven

I don't care what anyone else says. I have found a weird kind of middle ground. Not hell, not quite heaven. But its so close, it scares me. Its lie a mini-heaven on Earth. I have people around me who love me. And a looming visit to Butlins. To go swimming. Not the most body-confident person in the world here. But I can't get out of it now.
Back to the point...
Impractical. Why, I hear you ask? Because its not exactly the easiest and most logical of things, my life now. Two of them... not peculiar, for me, but definitely greedy. I feel like I'm living out the Twilight Saga (minus the beautiful werewolves and seductive vampires. Bite. Me.).I feel like Bella Swan/Cullen. Torn, almost.
Well, I was. I'm kind of at the Eclipse/Breaking Dawn stage, where I know what I want.

Lets just hope my Jacob doesn't imprint on my Renesmeé.

Peace, Love, and illogical madness, -D- xx

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Said it all in 6 lines

Nothing to say, nothing to do,
Sitting outside, lost without you,
Staring up at the stars above,
All the while I'm needing your love
I want to know why life isn't fair,
But you don't know and you don't care.

I think that pretty much says it all.

Love Love Love, -D-

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Needing what is illogical

I need you... I need you now...
As wrong as it may be, I need you...
But you aren't here, and I'm crumbling... You aren't supposed to have me, you deserve something more... repairable, and I don't make your life easy, and I'm sorry you had to fall so hard for me, but I can't interfere with matters of your heart.
I need you..., my worst fears are confirmed once more: when I need someone I love the most; they abandon me.
You aren't here, and it feels like you've left like everyone else... Even though its not your fault you're not here.
Yet I can't help but need you more...

I need to know you're okay... my forbidden love.

Deanna xx

Monday, 17 August 2009

I'm scared

I stare at the phone screen. 'I love you.' It reads.
I think for a minute.
'I'm scared to get close to anyone because everyone that ever said "I'll be there" left. Are you sure about this?' I swiftly type.
Send.
*Beep*
Open.
'Yes. I'm sure.'
I think for a moment longer, hesitating with my words. What can I say to that?
'I'm scared of falling.'
Send.
*Beep*
Open.

'Don't worry. I have wings.'

Love Deanna xxx

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Perfection in my life of grey

I do love you. And I think I have a pretty good idea of your feelings for me.
But there's just one, small, tiny problem.
I need to stay committed. I don't want you hurt, so you need to know that I do love you, no matter what everyone else thinks; but having two in my heart is just plain greedy.
You're always there and you always help and you always consider me before yourself.
If I hurt, you hurt.
If I cry, you cry.
If I die, a part of you would always die with me.
I don't know how to say it in person... and it wouldn't be right now... due to a current relationship which I'm extremely happy in. I love him more than anything you could ever dream of. So, as always, I take the coward's way out; and put it on here, which I'm sure you'll come across sooner or later. No names, I'm afraid, as I'm sure you know who you are. If not, well, I guess I'll have to tell you. And I'm certain you'll understand.
Because you always understand me. When no one else does. Apart from, maybe, one person who left. And now I'm faced with the harsh reality of life without him, because I've accepted now that he really is gone forever. And I understand. And I know you're young. And not quite perfect in your own eyes.

But this, I think you should have the right to know and understand.

Love, Deanna x

Friday, 14 August 2009

A lot happens in 5 days...

A great man once posted :

'Don't miss out on anything in life...life's too fragile to miss out on anything and anyone.'

And I listened a second too late. I'd missed out on a lot in earlier life, I realise I couldn't stop that; I was young and thought life was one big game. If I got it wrong: I could do-over. Go back to where I saved and start again.
Only now, looking back to that March write-up, I see that I've missed out on so much. I've become wrapped up in Internet, IM, poetry, an idiot of a man who hurt me; but I can do nothing but respect, even after what he did to me.
My mind was warped. By stuff that didn't matter in the long run. So I missed out on being with others who did nothing but care for me. I shoved them aside... I paid no attention... Caught up in my own stupid problems... which weren't even worth it. So I missed out. Then I lost my laptop for 5 days. And life took off. I noticed everything beautiful about the world. I noticed people never noticed before. I noticed little things I'd forgotten. Little joys in life. My cats sitting on my lap, where my laptop would normally take residence. Seeing the sun flood the garden through windows: instead I was outside in the sun. Feeling it embrace my skin.

Finding him... Who I'll love forever. Gyeah, a lot can happen in 5 days with no computer....

Love Deanna xxx

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Jailbird

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

This is a segment of 'The Ballad Of Reading Jail' by Oscar Wilde. Beautiful, isn't it? Like many other rare pieces of true art. This, however, is a small piece, as the whole thing is about 5 pages long.
It got me thinking... maybe this is why all good things come to an end. We think we are doing the best thing for someone by flattering them, or maybe we give them what we think they deserve, like a dirty look, but maybe all they want is the truth, or a good look, because they get bad looks and lies all day from all the fake people, and all they want is someone to tell it like it is. And it always hurts most with a kiss, because you put yoursel in a place where he can crush you, but you're trusting him not to. So when he does, it hurts more. Sword is quick and far less painful.

Each man kills the thing he loves... Yet each man does not die.

Love Deanna xxx

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Dear Someone...

I'm glad to have you in my life. Really I am. I know I don't necessarily show it in the usual ways, or do the right things, I'm so damn clumsy with words most of the time... which is weird because I'm so good with them on paper... which is also weird... but y'know.
As much as I love having you in my life and I know I'm lucky to have you, you have to understand; I have morals and boundaries and I will always stick up for what I believe in. I will not let you walk over me, like others have before, and I do need space sometimes to think things through. Sometimes, I want to go away from everything, get away from the artificial noise of TV and conversation and hum of cars and technology and just go sit by the sea and think things through. I don't always think conversation is required, so I will not always provide it. And if I go off at you for something that wasn't your fault, don't take it to heart, because I've probably had a rough day and you are the only person who will listen and not get mad at me for the things I say.

So I know I'm not perfect, but, if you'll put up with me and have me, I'll not ask for anything more.

Love, your Deanna xxx