Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Do you know the way it feels?

You know when you're with someone and you get the feeling that in 10 years time you'll still be there in their arms, watching the world go by?
You know when you love someone so much that every time you think of them you stomach does those weird pain-meets-pleasure flips?
You know when you miss someone much that the days spent without them drag to a standstill and you feel like you can't breathe?
You know when you adore someone so much that every time you kiss them your heart misses a beat and nothing in the world could be more perfect?

All this, and way, way more, is what I feel for you. Its not something I'm forcing on you. If you want it; take it. If you don't; tell me. Don't stay because you're worried what it'll do to me if you do leave. I don't want you to feel pressured with me. I'm the one person you can be yourself with. Never forget or doubt that. Because all the small things about you make my life worth living. I never realised how true that line from Twilight was: 'I love you. You are my life now.' Its a perfect way of depicting what love is. When you love someone like I love you, that someone becomes your life.
And you love all of me. Not just the good parts. Scars, tantrums, tears and all.

Pillows. Love, -D. x

Monday, 28 September 2009

I get by with a lil help from my friends...

There was once so much I could say. So much to tell you all, so much I wanted and needed to let out.
I don't feel it anymore. I have everything I want in life now. After... what I went through, all that pain, my life is heaven. Sure, its not perfect. Its confusing and annoying and downright strange most of the time, but everyone in my life makes it all worthwhile.
In some ways, my life has gotten harder.
In most ways, its just grown more beautiful.
And my friends are amazing. They've stuck with me and put up with me for the past 4 years or so. 4 years of moaning and groaning and seeing me in pain.
I love my friends for sticking by me. Sorry that its not so interesting anymore. I might write another tomorrow. A better one.

LoveLoveLove, -Deanna x x

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

A bad year for Hollywood.

I wonder if he looked at his wife before he went into that light and said 'the love inside, you take it with you.'
I wonder if he found Baby before he went into that light and said 'Thanks for carrying the watermelons.'
I wonder if he heard his wife say 'I love you' for the last time and secretly thought 'Ditto.'
I wonder if he kept a medium up all night singing 'I'm Henry the Eighth I am' before he went upstairs.

I wonder what heavens like and if it was everything Sam Wheat hoped for.

Sad times. -Deanna. x

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Realisation - I'll do with it what I need to.

I've just had an epiphany. A real epiphany.
Listen to this; my life in a nutshell.
My parents struggled and still struggle for money. More so than most Middle/Working class people, due to certain life decisions and schooling options for me. But, aside from this, I've had such an easy life. Disgustingly easy. I had friends, a pretty good medical history up until 6 months ago, I was likeable and I liked everyone else. I was a good kid in school, I got really good grades, I behaved outside school. Never gave my parents hassle.
Now. As you might be thinking, my life is, or rather, was, hard. I wrote that a lot in recent posts. But it was only hard because I made it hard. I was the one who put me in he cold. I was the one who made people hate me. I was the one who hated people. I was the one who decided my parents needed hassle (as if they didn't have enough on their plate already).
You see what I mean? I was the one who messed my life up. I was the one who fell in love with an idiot. No one told me to love him, did they?
Its so aggravating, looking back on it, because I can see that it was m making life hard. What annoys me even more is that certain people neglected to point this out.

But hey, life goes on in a perfectly deceitful kind of way...

-Deanna- x x x

Monday, 7 September 2009

I wanna know what love is

Love. How do we define it? Love is patient. Love is being lost for words when they matter most. Love is slamming the door in their face and then opening it again. Love is smiling when you think of them. Its flies under the radar for a long time. Until your mind catches up with what your heart knew all along. Love is being vulnerable to pain but trusting them not to inflict it. Its running to them, hair in a mess, wearing tatty clothes, no make-up and your eyes red from crying and him still saying 'you look beautiful'. Its being stupid together, forgetting birthdays and them saying 'its okay'. Its being able to stare at them all day without getting bored. Needing them instead of wanting them, telling them they're beautiful instead of hot. Someone who, as soon as you look at them, makes you fall in love all over again. Someone who deserves you even thought they think they don't. Love isn't a weight you must carry or a box that holds you. Its not a standard you have to live up to or a pedestal you're frozen upon. Its not perfection or an expectation. Its not your life's whole purpose (although it might be your favourite part). Its not to make you change. Its not even to make you love them back.

'I love you' is as pure and as simple as that.

Deanna. xoxo

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

The long story of a girl


The Autumn of 2007
There was a girl. She got dragged along to a wedding by her mother. Her mother's friend was the bride and she thought it was only fair to bring her daughter. They got there safely. Her mother told her about the brides son. 'He's cute,' she said. The girl tried finding this boy, but he was off with all his friends. The girl left the party in full swing and went home with her mother.
In the meantime, the girl got on with her life, and the boy did the
same, barely knowing the girl existed. The girl gave up on him and moved onto another. This new boy broke her over and over, but she didn't realise until she saw him with another. She turned her back on the world, unsure of what to do and where to go. The next year was spent in a blur of unhappiness, and the girl was not happy with her life or herself.
The July of 2009
Now the girl had more experience with heartbreak and how love worked. She was prettier and smarter, funnier and at the same time, deep in her eyes, you could see her sadness she hid from the world.
Today, her mother decided that she would volunteer her and the girl to help out at the barbecue the mother's work was hosting. The girl didn't mind one bit. She was happy to be of help and was happy she had something to do. She wore a beautiful blue top and jeans because she didn't like her legs. She set off down the road with her mother and as soon as she set foot in the door of the building she got to work, making posters and setting tables, plumping cushions and thinking of names for 'Guess the name of the monkey'. All the while, she was aware of a young boy walking to and fro, going about his work as a kitchen junior. She thought he was lovely, but didn't think he noticed her because he didn't once talk to her. It was only when his shift finished that she realised who it was. His mother came to pick him up and she remembered that it was the bride from a few years before. She asked her mother and she confirmed her thoughts. It was the boy her mother called 'cute'.
Wednesday, August 5th 2009
This time, the bride was organising a baby shower for her sister, as she was due in a couple of weeks. The bride invited the girl, her older sister and the girls' mother. The girl soon found out that the boy would also be there. Her mother said that he was shy and known for his bad behaviour in the past. The party went ahead, and after much eye contact and smiling, they got talking towards the end of the party. Obviously, the girl had to go home. So they scrambled into the car and reluctantly, the girl headed home. Shortly after leaving, however, her sister received a text from the bride. 'My boy got the hots for your girl and was wondering when he could see her again?' The girl, upon hearing this news, began feeling all funny inside.
Sunday, 9th August 2009
Somehow, the bride and the girls sister managed to get the girl and the boy on a date. They went to see 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince' at the cinema. One thing the girl noticed immediately was that the boy smelt amazing, but too shy to ask him what it was, she settled for whiffing it throughout the film. She felt so awkward, sitting there next to him having seen the film before. She would look at him every so often and would have to think about how to breathe, because he was so very beautiful. He would often catch her looking, but wouldn't say anything. She ended up not watching the screen very much, but just gazing at the angel sitting next to her. When the night ended, she was so happy she did a jeté up to her front door. Her sensitive hearing told her that the boy was laughing - no, roaring with laughter - in the back of the car that had dropped her off. She smiled and stepped inside, giving a curt wave at the boy in the back of the car.
Monday, 10th August 2009 (the next day)
By now, the girl had acquired the boys number and he began texting her at 22:56. Upon getting into the conversation, the girl noticed the amount of kisses gradually increased. Very subtle, she thought. The girl sent her most recent reply at 23:16 and waited. Nearly 10 minutes passed. The girl wasn't worried. She guessed he'd fallen asleep on her, and that was okay. Then the phone flashed with a message. 'I think I love you.' Along with a surplus of kisses. The girl knew what to do. 'I love you too. More than anything.' And it was true. She had never been more certain about anything. She sent it, hoping for that question she'd only been asked three times in her short life. Her phone flashed. 'Would you do me the honour of being my girlfriend?' Again, a bountiful of kisses followed. The girl got that fluttery feeling in her stomach again. She knew the answer before he'd asked. 'Of course I will.'
Monday, 31st August 2009
The boy went round to the girls house today. She led him upstairs to her bedroom. She lay there, staring at him for what seemed forever. Until he said 'there's something you want to tell me, isn't there?' The girl smiled and said 'I'm not sure where to begin.' He laughed and said 'How about the beginning?' So she did. She told him everything, using her book to explain the harder parts. He gasped at some parts and questioned her at others. Of course, it was a very hard three years of her life. He wanted to know about it all. So she told him. When she got to the most shocking part, she said 'You can't judge me on this next part. Its over now and I've no need for it anymore. But I need you to understand me. So you need to know.' He understood this and told her to proceed. 'You remember I said when anything bad happened, all I wanted to do was cry but I couldn't?' He nodded. 'Well, I needed to get rid of all the emotion. So I... I... c.u.t.,' spelling it out, hoping it would be easier for her and him. He stared. 'You can't be serious? You did that? Over a guy?' She nodded, tears filling her eyes at the memories and the look on his face. His face finally softened. 'Its okay,' He began. 'I understand. And I'll never do what he did. Leaving like that isn't fair. He could've said something. So its okay. And I love every part of you. Scars and all.' She smiled and kissed him.
z
I wear my scars with pride; not for attention or sympathy; but to show you the pain I've been through and how I rose above it. The rest, my dears, is future yet to unfold.
z
Battle wounds and loving faces,
z
-Dee.-x x x x