Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Dearest love,

I really do love you. I really, really love you. You're the best listener ever. You give advice like no other human being I know (mother included). And you have... amazing eyes. Really.

But loving you is not healthy for me, in fact; it makes me nervous. If I get caught, I could lose everything. Nor is it healthy for my relationship. I find it hard to love two people at once. Its never provided me with problems before, but I was never so in love with both.

I... hate to say what I'm about to say; it breaks my heart and no doubt yours, it makes me cry in my sleepless nights, it plagues my dreams and is the very stuff of my nightmares. I am as scared of these words as I am scared of loneliness. I wish I could carry on living like it was normal. But I feel completely unfaithful, even though I'm not in the slightest. Every time you text me or I.M me, I feel nervous. Scared. Worried. What if, one day, he finds all our past talks? I haven't the heart to delete them like I should. It is driving me insane. Not just the pain I feel, the pain you must be feeling also sends me insane. To know what I am causing to someone else. So, my love, it pains me to say this, but I can only hope you will understand me, like you always do. I am crying at the thought of you seeing this. I am trembling at the thought of what you'll say. So, here it is. I am so sorry.

Its not that I don't, its just that...

I... can't love you anymore.

Your dearest, Deanna x x x

Life ain't so peachy.

I can't do this anymore, I'm living a lie,
I have no morals, I wish I could die,
I'm breaking the eggs to make the food,
I'm breaking the heart of the one always true,
I don't want to be the person I am
I've burdened my mind and my soul I have damned
I feel like I'm being completely unfaithful
To the one person for which I'm so grateful
But I can't stop myself, nor carry on this way
The seams of my life continue to fray
I wish I could run and stop all the pain
Its so complex and it drives me insane,
I know that its simple because no one's to blame
And I'm not unfaithful, just not the same
I can't seem to love only one man
Its always been two; one for each hand
Or perhaps its one for the nice happy side
And another for the times I wish to hide.
Either way, being like this kills me slow,
Perhaps I should quicken it, take the knife and just go.

Maybe I spoke too soon when I said life was good. First the previous post and now this. I can't take leading two lives anymore. Its killing me. Because neither can have all of me. Not when I'm in the middle like this. I'm not doing anything wrong, its just... one understands me better than I understand myself. The other brightens up my day and makes me laugh when I didn't even want to smile. I can't pick one or the other, because if I left either now, there would be things I would miss.

Shit, I wish life was easy. In fact, can I just go back to being seven again? When all that mattered was my parents, food, clothing, toys and a bed to rest my head on?

...Please? I don't want to grow up, I'm not ready Lord...

-DD xxx

Monday, 26 October 2009

Nobody puts me in a corner... except me.

I never thought I'd see the day when I cowered in the corner and hid from the world.

Today was that day.

This was what went down:

I got up and went to town to cash some cheques of mine. Mother went to work. Before she left, she asked what my other half was doing today, and I said 'not sure, haven't texted him yet.' Reasonable response, yes? Returned home. Waited for mother. Right, so after she comes home, I say that he's gone fishing for the day. And her response is: 'You're such a weird pair. You don't spend a lot of time together, do you? You don't know him very well, do you?' And I got... so mad. How the hell can she say that? What does she want, us joined at the hip? Us reading each other's minds? I respect his space. He respects mine. Simple. How we like it. We're happy. So what the hell is she trying to do? Break us up? And then I started thinking, what if she's right? Why am i not that into him? And the only answer I could come up with was heartbreaker, better known as Bob, The One Who Left, blah blah. I got so confused. I sat in my corner. And cried. And cried. A good hour's worth. And I am still very mad. But I can't help think she was - is - right.

I... Do love Stuart.

...
Don't I?
Help me, someone. I need you, Hugo, where are you?
-DC. xoxo

Monday, 19 October 2009

Guilty as charged.

I feel... so bad. And so sad. I'm having the time of my life. I couldn't be happier. But... God, that day, I saw... everything in his eyes. But all else aside, the most obvious emotion in his eyes was... pain. Pain when I hugged him, pain because he was walking away from what he loved. What I saw was indescribable; such compassion, locked away in jealousy and unhappiness. I feel responsible. And I actually am. For every single emotion mentioned. And more. I... I don't get it. How can one person (me) cause so much suffering to another (you) ? Without intending to? Sometimes, without even realising it? It kills me. I feel selfish. Worthless. Almost like I want to fly off the face of the Earth and never return because it hurts you, me existing. Anyone else, you could've had anyone else. But, once again, its me who has to break the eggs to make the omlette, as you put it. (Break the hearts to make perfect love. You get the idea. Figure it out, clever person.) I wish it wasn't me to put you through this. And I am happy, and I wouldn't be happy, healthy, hyper; without you. I wish I could be satisfied with you saying that you're happy that I'm happy. But I know; there's always more. And of course there's more you want. Jeez.

But... I'm sorry. Guilty and confused as I am, I know that at the moment, I cannot provide it.

Miss you. -Dee. xx

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Define me.

I've defined love.
Now, shall I have a giggle and try to define myself?
Okay. Lets try it.
I'm always a mess. I can never keep my own secrets. I laugh too hard at stupid things. My favourite songs can make me cry. I always watch for 11:11, but I miss it more than I notice it. I live in the past, in memories I have with the people I love. I hate thinking about reality and I'm so homesick that its not even funny. But not homesick in a missing my house kind of way... maybe it's more like heartsick for all the things that I can't get back. I have too many ties in places which I'm going to leave soon. I have the most unpredictable mood swings. My opinion on everything changes from day to day. I declare random things in the middle of doing something. I remember pointless stuff and forget important stuff. I don't always know what to do in certain social situations and a lot of the time, this is the death of me. I live in a weird twisted circle of feelings not even I can make out. My cousin thinks I've lost the plot; truth is, I never had it to begin with. I get used and abused by the people I love and still go back to them thinking 'that's the last time it'll happen.' I want so much from life but I'm too scared to chase after it. I live every day wishing it would go quicker but then a year down the line I wish that I'd paid more attention on those days.

Its hard for me to define myself... I guess I'm just a cliché - the girl who loved too hard and didn't get anything in return. I don't want to be the heroine in some tragic love story:

I just want to see the one person who has never given me a second thought.

-D. x

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Happy Birthday to you...

Happy Birthday B!!! I hope you enjoy every one of your endeavours and live a happy, full life. From the day I stumbled across your blog early in the morning to the day you wished me a happy birthday to this... Thanks for all your support and wise words.
Love Deanna xxx

Friday, 9 October 2009

Big girls DO cry - I did.

"Deanna, you're out of order. S loves you with everything and you're off writing about another man? What the hell is that about?"

I know Dem was right. And I have always said the same from day one.
I was writing a letter to him. asking him how the hell he could just... walk out like that. And then Dem, as always, asks if she could read it. And, as always, I let her because I value her opinion. And then she voices what I've been saying since day one. And it was just... the way she said it. Saying it yourself is one thing, but hearing it from someone else; having someone else confirming what you knew all along... it really hit home... and that was what started the tears. Because Dem was right. And I know that. But I just... couldn't take hearing it from someone else. It really hurts to know that you could be hurting someone else; in this case, my boyfriend, Stuart.
And X felt helpless, watching me cry. But X, you have to see that the only person that could've stopped those tears was the one that caused them. And I didn't want them to stop. I needed to get it out of my system. He said that he wasn't sure how to deal with tears.
But its okay. I'm no good at dealing with tears either, even my own. I guess all you can do is hold that person till their shoulders stop shaking. Till the emotions run dry. And till the tears just won't fall any more.
I was just... I needed to cry. All that emotion I've been bottling up over the past three years over this one guy. And that was what is was today. Some of that coming out.

There's still more of it. But it'll all come out. In time.

LoveLoveLove, -Dee. xoxo

Thursday, 1 October 2009

No more pretending...

He'll do what makes me happy. Even if its not what he wants. And as much as it pains me to see X like this, only runner up in the game of love, I can't change it. Because I don't want to.
Maybe if I'd have been bolder in the beginning... He'd be happy now. Maybe if I left S now I would miss out on some really great stuff. But who's to say that by not being with X I'm missing out on so much more?
There'll always be a curiosity of what life would've been like if I'd never gotten with S. What if I'd have never met him? Would I be with X now? Would I still be in the great depression?
It took me so long to decide. But, at the end of the day, it was the way S kissed the top of my head while I was sleeping. It was the way he accepted my scars. Its the way I don't have to pretend to be happy around him, because when he's there, it just happens.
X has only wanted the best for me. Even if the best isn't him.

Even if me being happy means him being second best.

-D. xoxo