Monday, 30 November 2009

Please, not now.

"Don't you ever think we'd be better as friends?"
"In a word: No. Never."
"Really? Because I thought -"
"No, I don't want to hear this. Not now. I've given up so much to be with you - my parents' trust, my home, my Saturday afternoons which should be spent doing homework, my friends' conversation because they'd rather hear about you. I've given you everything. Please don't -"
"No, listen to me. We barely know each other. We've known each other three months."
"Three and a half."
"Fine, three and a half. But lets hear the basic facts. When is my birthday?"
"September 19th."
"Okay, bad example, you're good with birthdays. How about favourite colour? Favourite band? Nan's name? Is she even still alive? Best mate? Do you know any of the answers?"
"No, you can't do that to me. What's my mother's name?"
"Anne, with an 'e' on the end."
"February 28th."
"Favourite colour?"
"Blue, same as my eyes."
"Best friend?"
"Demii. I know you well, Deanna. I listen to you. But I don't know if I trust you. How do I know you're not off with someone else in London during the week? How can I know that? Your word? You promised you'd never hurt yourself again, but that wasn't true, was it? Look, fresh scratches."
"Don't say that! You know I would never hurt you. And if you don't know that, then I don't know what to think. How do you think I feel, having you around hundreds of beautiful girls around you 5 days of the week? You have basically nothing to worry about with me! They're all short, ugly or gay! And the minority that aren't are completely out of my league, or they already know my situation."
"Deanna, listen to yourself! You don't even know me. I couldn't ever do that to you. They're all horrible. How could you ever thi -"
"Don't argue with me! I can't hear this again! Not from you. I love you! Please, you can't do this to me now. I need you."
"No you don't. Think about it."
And he walked away, leaving me in tears.

I've thought about it. And I know what I want. It was hard for me before, to imagine it. I thought of it as throwing my life away. Just spending it with one person sounded daunting - I would never get to experience anything else anyone could give me. But now, its clear to me that loving someone the way I love him doesn't come round very often. I would do anything for him, even when not in my best interest. So we're going to talk. Tonight.
I'll post it tomorrow. Maybe.

It'll be fine. -Deanna, xoxo

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Don't try to change me.

Don't go changing for other people. Life is too short to worry about what other people think of you. Even for love. Don't go changing to make someone love you, because there will be that day when you can't reclaim the old you from the depths of your soul. You are too accustomed to acting different to please other people. You lose your sense of self when you try to change for anyone. You become alike to everyone else, in a sense; the original you has been replaced by what you think is 'better'. When there was nothing wrong with you in the first place. There will always be someone, somewhere, who will love you for who you are. There is no need to change for people.

So do what you love and you will find someone who loves the same thing. Don't look for love, suffer for love, or beg for love.

Just live.
-D. x

Friday, 13 November 2009

Toss it round...

Love. Love love love. That word gets tossed around so much by all these different people. What the hell is it? It gets said by all of us on a daily basis. And does it mean anything? No. Its like rewards. You give them to children for doing good. But if you give a reward to them too often, the kids get used to it and the rewards become meaningless. The word love is used all the time. By me especially. And then when I find something or someone I really do love, I don't feel saying 'I love you' is enough. Because I use it so much that it just becomes another part of the vocabulary which is mundane. When we say 'I love those shoes!' We don't really love them. We might really, really like them, but we say 'love' instead. I don't love my bed;its an inanimate object. But I say it all the same.
He never really loved me. He just said it. Like I say I love my bed. Its the same thing. We don't love it at all, but we say it to emphasise how much we like it. Or, in his case, to make me swoon unnecessarily and make me think I had a chance.

Here's an idea people:
Don't use the word 'love' unless you really mean it. Like I do with you, H.

-D. xoxo

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Breaking my own heart...

Its so hard for me to admit this. But I'm cutting the crap out of my life. And hopefully this will be the last time I'll think of 'Bob'.
He never really hurt me. He was nice to me, he helped me, he listened to my pointless stories. And then all he did was leave. Not because of me, he just left. And what did I go and do? Made it some big drama. And then I broke my own heart. He didn't, all he did was leave. How stupid could I be? Really? I made it out to be all his fault. But he never did anything to me. All he did was help, then leave.
I can't believe how awful I've been. I made him out to be the bad guy. But he did nothing wrong. It was all me. I thought he broke me. But it was me who broke me. I thought he left me. But maybe, just maybe, it was me who left him; not in the literal sense , more the psychological sense. Maybe he wanted help but I always left him needing it. What if I was the bad one? I can't recall him telling me one thing about him really. Not even his birthday. I thought it was because he was a private person; maybe it was because I never cared to listen.

Yes, yes. this is it. He was never bad to me. He never broke my heart. I did.

Sorry for blaming you. And thank you for being there.

-Deanna, Never give up, huh? Keep it real. Keep on trying. xoxo

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Jell-o legs.

Look. I'll be honest with you. I'm cutting the crap now - I can't be asked with it - and all the lovey-dovey shit is going to my head and turning me into jelloid.
You silly thing. I know that it might look like you're the reason for he weird glitches in my life. But you're not. Its normally family. Or friends. Never you. And you do not distort my perfection. I know it might sound like you're the reason my life gets knocked off balance. I know that it might sound like my life is perfect. Truth is, cutting the crap: its not. In fact, its the craziest its ever been. And I need you there to keep me sane, to keep my feet on the ground. I used to be selfless. But it never worked for me. So you know what? I'm going to be selfish, just this once, and keep you there. Its hard to stay, but impossible to let go. As you put it.
Look, I don't want to hold you back, so if you want to go; go. I do not want to hold you back; that's the last thing on my wish list. But I'll take your help for as long as you'll provide it.

...Dee. xoxox