Saturday, 26 December 2009

Uni.

Once upon a time, in an era which seems so far away, there was a girl. This girl was me, back before opinions mattered and I was innocent of any crime committed. There are many marks on my soul, that once upon a time, were not there.
But this isn't my story. This is hers.
I had a unicorn. A beautiful, pink, big unicorn. Her short, baby pink fur felt smooth and soft underneath my young fingers. Her eyes were a stunning shade of blue, an accumulation of icy waters and rich, sapphire blue. Her tail was fluffy, with long hair, and her collar felt like crushed velvet on my cheek. She had a long, flowing mane; a soft, pinkish white. And her horn was centered perfectly in the middle of her head, and was stuffed cloth, so it stood perfectly straight.
This unicorn, once upon a time, was my place of hiding. She provided an escape for me, a whole new world where I could hide and no one could disturb me. I would spend countless hours in her company, never requiring conversation from her. She looked at me like she knew what I was thinking. Words were never necessary. She was a universe, completely undiscovered, and I had her all to myself. No one could see her like I could. In my dreams, I would imagine riding my cuddly unicorn across vast valleys and galloping over green hillsides. We could go anywhere, we would ride over rainbows, dance in the clouds, find resting caves filled with sparkling stones.
But then, one day, I had my first encounter with teenage love. And then, my unicorn left my dreams. Now they were filled with his face, the dreams of our wedding, and all traces of my unicorn were erased. She no longer looked at me with her big, blue eyes each morning with love and understanding. They were filled with a look I'd never seen there before. They were filled with vacancy. Nothing shone there anymore. She was no longer a world for me.

I'd grown up.

-D. xoxo

Friday, 25 December 2009

2009: The bad times in the past.

Another year is on the horizon. So I thought I would look back at everything that has happened this year.
To be honest, much of the beginning of this year is blurry. There was a lonely New Year, to begin with. Then Valentines day spent alone. Then my birthday, which no one remembered. There was my rocky week-long relationship with Blondie in April, then the night I broke up with him and harm done. Then there was THAT trip to Spain which ended in complete disaster. Then I really got to know H. I knew him before, he'd been helping me for a while before this. And he helped me through everything. And slowly, slowly, I fell in love with him. But, as always, I said nothing and just carried on with my life. Then there was my trip to Copenhagen in May, and the end of another school year in July. Everything else in the middle is blurry. Then came July 26th. The date of that summer party, when I saw Stuart. Of course, I thought he was stunningly beautiful, and out of my league, but I could dream, right? It didn't even click that a week or so later, on the 5th of august, I would see him again at that baby shower. Near the end of the night, I suppose, I managed to pluck up the courage to talk to him. And then I had to leave. Blah blah, went on a date, fell in love, was going out with him officially by the 10th of August. Pretty fast work. Took two months to even pluck up the courage to kiss him, and since, I haven't stopped. Well, that's a lie. But metaphorically speaking. And then there was THAT Msn conversation with H (remember that? :)) And I suppose, you know all the rest.

So, in short: 2009: I stumbled through the beginning, hurt through the middle, and loved to the end.
What.
A.
Year.
And 2010 will be even better. H, I love you. Thank you for everything.

All my love, now and always to all of you,
-Deanna. xoxox

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Really?

...
I don't believe it, not for a second. How can you be in America now? In West Hollywood? How can you have a website?
How can you move on so swiftly?
The worst part about the whole thing, is that girls all over the world, will fantasise about you. But once, I looked into your beautiful blue eyes, and you looked back. Your eyes told such stories to me, stories you couldn't or wouldn't say with words. Once, I looked into those eyes. Now I only had a few pictures with one fixed expression. And it wasn't just that. Once, I held that face, kissed those cheeks, embraced that body and had it embrace me. Stuff those young girls would only dream of having.
Once, I knew you. Not as a celebrity or a heart-throb, but as a human being.
That's what kills me.

How on Earth did I ever let that go?
-D. xoxox

Sunday, 13 December 2009

The unknown

...I hate not knowing what's going on. Like now.
I don't know where you are, I don't know how you are, I don't know what you're doing. I haven't seen you today because you have other things to do, I didn't see you yesterday because I had other things to do.
No one ever warned me you would have to work so hard at love.
No one ever warned me you could feel so sad when you can't see the one you adore.

No one ever warned me you could feel so alone in a relationship.
Who knew love could be so ...
Lonely?

-D. x