Sunday, 27 June 2010


My sixteenth velvet box, opened.

16th July 2008
I didn't sleep. I couldn't eat.
I cried the whole night.
And walked into my very own personal hell.

Everyone always tells you that you won't ever make a difference. Everyone tells you that you're just one person. But you are very, very special. And everything in this world is worth fighting for, and I'm going to fight for what I believe in. I have to move, but it doesn't mean that I have to leave. Because I'm still here, in your heart, in your head, deep inside the memories you hold of me within velvet boxes. I will never not be there. I'll be around. You might see me from time to time. You may talk to me sometimes. You might meet someone with the same eyes as me, or the same gestures, or you might even sit there and smell me on the tube. But sometime, and it won't be as long as you think from now, the pain of today will fade. The tears will stop falling over me and you'll meet someone else who is simply amazing, but you'll never be able to put your finger on why they are so. That reason will be me. You will glimpse part of me within him, and you'll cling onto it with all you've got. The world won't stop turning when I walk away from here, or when you do. The sky won't cave in, and the stars won't implode. Life will carry on for everyone. So you've got to promise me that you'll remember. Because memories can bring people back forever; it just takes the ability to believe.
The words flew from his lips so fluidly. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. This was it. This could be the last time I would ever see him. I smiled at him. And I walked away. There were words still unspoken on my lips, and so much I needed to hear from his. But I walked.
I'll never know why I left like that on that day. Maybe I didn't want to hear what he said. Maybe the above was enough. Perhaps I was trying to make it easier for myself. It didn't work. But This was one of the most inspirational things I've ever heard, and I'll never, ever forget Piers Stubbs.
Sixteen velvet boxes, open and redundant.
LoveLoveLove x

Friday, 4 June 2010


My fifteenth velvet box, opened.
I feel what this box contains all the time. Its always with me, in my heart and my head.

I remember the first time it happened.
We were sitting there, chatting away. Me, Piers, and Grace. We were talking about trivial things; what was happening over the weekend, who we were friends with, who we liked. It was this that was the most interesting of the three. At the time, I liked Michael, and everyone knew, so, Grace and Piers didn't even bother to ask me who I liked. Grace was an open man-hater at the time, after being a recent victim to teenage heartbreak. So the attention turned to Piers. He knew it would; he liked to leave everything about his love life to mystery. It was something everyone seemed to be talking about, even though everyone knew next to nothing about it. All anyone knew, was that the person he liked was 'forbidden' for some reason or another.
Grace started it off.
'So, Piers, who is she?'
'What do you mean?' He replied. Pah, like he didn't know.
'Your forbidden love. Who is it?'
'If I told you that, Gracie,' - He always called her that, for some reason - 'I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.' He flashed one of those wickedly beautiful smiles, and I could see Grace swooning almost as much as me.
We looked at each other then, Piers and me. And it was glorious. Right then, I knew he was going to say something big. I knew he liked someone, he'd told me so. Maybe now was when I was finally going to find out who it was. It was nothing I could've dreamed of.
It was my worst nightmare.
'Besides,' Piers began, 'why on Earth would I tell you if I liked anyone? Why would I even like anyone when I've got a girlfriend?'
Grace's face lit up - but not before something rather rare and peculiar. I saw the smallest glint of sadness cross her eyes, so small that it was completely unnoticeable to someone who wasn't really looking. But I saw it.
'Sorry, did you just say you had a girlfriend?' I asked.
'Yes. Brown hair, brown eyes, olive skinned, tall-ish, not fat, but not skinny, and breathtakingly beautiful.'
I felt it begin as soon as he'd finished his description of her. I spat the word in my head. Her. Her. She was like me, in so many respects. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Not fat, but not skinny. Olive skinned. Tall-ish.
I didn't know what was coming over me. My heart stopped beating and, for a minute or so, my blood ran cold. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. I didn't want to believe it. I could feel hatred boiling over in the very pit of my stomach. Hatred towards a girl whom I'd never even met. I was not sure why at the time; it was a strange feeling. Not quite murderous, and nowhere near rainbows and unicorns. Pure, searing envy. And its one of the most painfully beautiful things I'll ever experience.
After that, I felt it all the time. Whenever he mentioned her, my heart stood still and I began to hate this person who he seemed to care about so much more than me.
It hurt. It hurt so very much.

It was a strange day. I wasn't aware of my feelings towards Piers at this point; as far as I was concerned, he was just a friend. But it seemed he was already something more. I still feel it now; someone, somewhere, is lucky enough to call Piers, theirs. He belongs to someone in the world, right now. But it'll never be me.
Fifteen velvet boxes, open and redundant.
LoveLoveLove x