Sunday, 7 November 2010

Trust

You know Gaga, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it of its broke...
But you can still see the cracks in that mother fucker's reflection.
Taking a break from the boxes. 
Just for a minute.
You know, it just struck me. All this time, I trusted this person. Lets call them... Sam. I trusted Sam with my whole heart, I believed that she would never let me down or betray me. 
All I can say is that I was wrong. 
It kills me to think that I trusted this girl with my entire life, and now I know she's let me down once, I've no idea how many times she's prepared to do it again. Or how many times she's done it, unbeknownst to me, in the past. 
She's my best friend. I love her dearly. But if I cannot trust her, what is the point in her?
She will say anything to get someone to like her. No matter how much it hurts someone else. That someone else being me, in this particular case.
Its just proven one thing to me.
You can't trust anyone in this world except yourself. And the knowledge of that makes me very sad. Because you need to trust people to get on in life. Its a really bitter statement, and a poor outlook on life, but if I trusted this person who I've known for as long as I can remember and she let me down, so why should I trust someone else, whom I've known for half the time? 
Life is bull.
End of.
-D. xoxo

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Transparent

My twentieth velvet box, opened.
When Piers left, I figured that everyone would still talk about him, make reference to him in conversation. I didn't, for a second, consider that he didn't matter that much to everyone else as much as he mattered to me, and I found that I was the one who remembered that his favourite artist was Chris Brown, or that the colour he looked nicest in was blue. It was always me who interjected with random little shards of the person Piers once was into a conversation. Everyone else never mentioned him, because it was just part of how it was for them; people come, people go. Piers was one of those.
But not to me. I needed to talk about Piers, to help me through... I don't know, the grieving process? I needed to know he wasn't in my imagination. Lucky for me, I had very rare kinds of human surrounding me. Called friends. They probably hated me for it at the time, and they probably still do now. They stood there for countless hours, listening to me puzzle the whole thing through. I must've sounded so depressing... I still do, half the time. But the point is, my friends proved to me that he existed. They helped me face that he was gone. And I know that I will probably never forget him, but my friends help me deal with it, every day. I still bring him up in conversation every now and then. Force of habit, I guess. But I don't sit there thinking about him all the time, I don't feel the need to validate his existence with my friends anymore. And I've realised something. 
Without Piers, I can be happy. 
I am happy, without him. 
I blamed him for everything, and then I blamed myself for it. But the truth is, it was no one's blame to take. And in the knowledge of that, I can close this box, and every one in his name with it. Because sometimes, its okay to just live.
Twenty velvet boxes, open and redundant.
LoveLoveLove x

Whoopsie....

I'm very, very sorry for not being a loyal Blogger. 
Two months. 
Blogs to follow. 
Promise.
Love <3