Sunday, 29 May 2011

Scared

I was round my brother's house with my family today.
My seven year old niece was happily sitting next to me, humming to herself. I realise she's stopped, and she's looking at me. Right at me. So I turn to her and smile, kiss her hair, and she says,
'Dee Dee, why are your eyes so yellow?'
I had to bite my tongue, hold back tears and say, 'I'm poorly sweetheart, I'm not very well.'
'Oh... okay.' And she kisses my hair and strokes my back, resumes humming soft lullabies as if I am the child needing comfort. 
Never in my life have I wanted to cry so much. She's seven, I haven't told her about my liver. I haven't told her I can't fix it. She doesn't know that I'm constantly tired and my body is shutting down on me.
But she does now. She did notice. She shouldn't have to know about things like that, she's so young. 
What if its worse than I thought? Worse than the doctors think?
What if it never gets any better? 
What if I never get to see her grow up? My children grow up? What if I never see them have children of their own?
I'm so scared. I don't want my life taken away from me, I don't want to miss out on my children getting married or having little bundles of joy that they call their own.
Most of all... I don't want to give them the same curse. its partly hereditary, I don't want my kids growing up with it too.
I'm scared.